Vince te ipsum
by MinaBR
Summary: "You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming." - Pablo Neruda.
1. Chapter 1

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_"Time will explain." - Jane Austen, Persuasion._

She possessed the understated beauty of the unpretty and the unremarkable character of the unnoticed. A woman of emotions and dreams, concealed by layers of unattractive armour, she felt safer on the realm of fantasies. There, she was the undisputed sovereign of a perfect kingdom, the beloved wife of prince charming, the dotting mother of gorgeous children. Within the confines of her imagined life, beauty came from the heart and status was achieved out of merit. Life was easy and love was a certainty, her fantasy didn't allow endings just the lightness of a happily ever after.

Unfortunately, reality was a far cry from dreams and prince charming came in the form of a less than perfect man who suffered the malady of a wandering eye and a loose tongue. But she was overweight and over thirty, resigned to the fate of accepting what she could have instead of waiting for what she truly wanted. So, Bella settled for Edward and tried really hard to make the best of it.

Most of the time, she resented Edward, viewing him as the jailor keeping her on the prison of mediocrity. However, sometimes she could almost taste happiness. Those occasions were few and far in between, but they sustained the fickle hope that one day everything would fall into place and she would finally be happy.


	2. Chapter 2

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Sitting on the far corner of the crowded wedding reception, she observed the happiness of the newlyweds, wondering if she would ever be on the receiving end of so much affection. Unwanted tears sprung to her eyes, but unlike the strong heroines of the novels she was so fond of, she couldn't blink them back. Allowing just a few to run down her face, she managed to rein in her emotions and was once again a placid observer of the life unfolding before her very eyes.

Nobody would have guessed that the ever docile Bella Swan could be inclined to such display of emotion. Usually, her darker thoughts were covered by a polite smile and prompt agreement to whatever might be said. She was the nice, biddable girl; a far cry from the daring heroine she longed to be. It was her twisted attempt at compensating the world for her less than pleasing appearance. That's the same reason behind her lack of protest at being pushed aside by Edward, who, instead of paying attention to his girlfriend, was entertaining the pretty cousin of the bride.

It started that day, but she never realized it until much later. Her world didn't tilt in its axes, a thunder didn't strike her. It was just a tiny voice whispering on her soul's ears the need to stop waiting for prince charming. She would have to rescue herself.


	3. Chapter 3

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Tormented by the sensations brought by a forgotten dream, Bella stared at the mirror trying to reconcile the strange image with the person she was on the inside. She saw a woman beyond her prime, weary and defeated, no trace of self-esteem on her ordinary eyes. There was no trace of the vivacious girl she had once been. Growing up meant leaving behind a lot of youthful illusions and dreams, but that wasn't all that had been lost along the path of her life. Her soul was missing; there was no fire on her eyes, no desire to fight for herself.

It was an image she was well acquainted with, for she had seen her mother donning the same lifeless expression whenever her father was "on duty". Charlie's lack of marital fidelity was a painful pill that Renée had to swallow in order to guarantee her children's well being. There was never a smile upon Renée's aristocratic face, she was unhappy until the day her children graduated from college. Then she said her goodbye and slipped away from life, knowing that she had done her duty.

Bella cried for all Renée had to bear for the sake of financial security. She also cried for herself, for she now realized that despite her best efforts she had become her mother.


	4. Chapter 4

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Bella truly detested Mondays. It seemed that human beings were inclined to unleash the full extent of their stupidity on weekends; therefore an atrocious amount of work graced her table on the much detested beginning of her week. Being a lawyer, she was paid to clean up the mess others made, but that didn't mean she condoned, or even understood, the driving force behind their reckless actions. Nevertheless, she was thankful for the wild ways of her overindulged clientele, for they paid handsomely to make their problems go away.

However, on that specific Monday, the customary trip to the police station was tinged by something other than loathing; Bella was actually dreading it, for she would inevitably be confronted with the sight of her boyfriend who happened to be a detective. Even though their relationship wasn't a secret, Edward insisted on maintaining distance whenever they met on a professional capacity. Bella wouldn't mind if the same limits applied to Edward's interactions with other females. Other women were granted the privilege of Edward's flattering words and flirtatious glances while Bella got the detached professional façade.

She had always pretended blindness to his faults, suppressing the wounds inflicted by Edward's indifferent behaviour, protected by a wall of carefully constructed obliviousness. And on that particular Monday, after the breakdown brought by her mother's memory, Bella was afraid that her irreprehensible public persona wouldn't withstand the torrent of emotions plaguing the woman within.


	5. Chapter 5

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It was expected as much as it was hurtful, the polite nod of greeting. Instead of succumbing to the unholy temptation of embarrassing Edward by a calculated display of affection, Bella adopted a passive-aggressive approach. Keeping her emotions in check, she directed an unseeing look at the generality of the precinct, pretending not to notice him. The woman, who always leapt at any shred of attention directed at her, purposefully snubbed the reticent honor of Edward's acknowledgement. It was a small act of rebellion, perhaps even childish in its simplicity but seeing Edward's perplexed expression was a small victory for Bella.

Feeling lighter, a little smile played on her lips and she went about her business ignoring the inquiring stare of the bewildered man who called himself her boyfriend. Satisfaction tinted her day with the dazzling colors of self-assurance; everything that once was a chore seemed to acquire the status of a pleasure. By the end of the day, Bella's smile was broader and her spirit was soaring high. It was an ordinary day filled with common events, yet it was different, her head didn't hurt and her heart wasn't heavy with unwarranted misery.

Lying on her bed, she wondered about the possibilities that tomorrow might bring; if a tiny insolence could brighten her day she marvelled at what a full blown change might accomplish.


	6. Chapter 6

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The ritual of dressing herself to work was always automatic, devoid of significance or enjoyment. But the lightness of the previous day extended to that morning, so much that Bella spent an extra hour doing her hair and makeup. Bella couldn't remember when was the last time she enjoyed pampering herself and felt a pang of sorrow for everything she had been deprived of. Deciding not to dwell on the past, she concentrated on the present. Seeing the result of her efforts, Bella smiled at the gorgeous woman staring back at her.

Regardless of the fact that it was autumn, there was spring on Bella's soul, for she had the smile of blossoming hope on her rejuvenated face. Walking to work, she emanated an aura of contentment, attracting wondering looks of passers-bye. Any other day she would be dismayed by the unexpected attention, but that morning she welcomed it, because, like any other woman, she liked to be admired, though she could barely admit it, even to herself. Bella no longer felt invisible, relishing the inviting eyes of some impertinent strangers.

A girl who had always felt unworthy, Bella was bewildered by the possibility that maybe the life she had led until that point wasn't a direct product of circumstances beyond her control, but a matter of how she perceived reality.


	7. Chapter 7

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Meeting with the senior partners never failed to raise Bella's anxiety to an almost unbearable level. The Volturi brothers unnerved her to a point where her mind could no longer function and her tongue tripped on every word she tried to pronounce. Before the triad, she wasn't a grown woman, but rather the stuttering president of the chess club. The contempt on their eyes was plain for all to see, but Bella's more than satisfactory performance prevented her dismissal.

However, Bella's newfound self-confidence worked wonders when dealing with the brothers. She smiled easily and charmed the senior partners with her impeccable manners and astute observations. On previous occasions she had attempted to fade into the crowd, afraid to offer her input and being rebuffed. Or even worst, she recoiled from the possibility of being completely unable to explain her idea, due to an untimely return of the stammer that had marred her earlier years.

All of her worries were proved unfounded; by mastering her fear she cemented her way towards a much coveted promotion. She had grown used to being overlooked and underestimated, in the past Bella had turned it to her advantaged but she was tired of being an insignificant non-entity. She didn't want to merely exist, Bella wanted to shine.


	8. Chapter 8

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Instead of sitting alone on the farthest corner of the deli, Bella decided it was time to make an effort. For years she had observed her co-workers congregating over lunch and office gossip. Believing that it would be impolite to approach them, Bella waited for an invitation that never came. Determined to build a better life for herself, Bella took a deep breath and began her walk towards the unknown, for she was unsure about her colleague's reaction to her forward move.

Trying to focus on the problem at hand, Bella forced the thoughts of doubts and insecurity to the back of her mind. Some heads snapped up when she quietly voiced her wish to join them; on their faces, only curiosity, no trace of disdain or mockery. They accepted her, no questions asked, no demands made. Another part of her high school self died that day, because Bella realized that she didn't have to pay a price to be tolerated when appreciation was freely offered. Soon, Bella was animatedly conversing with the familiar strangers she had feared for so long.

Bella never suspected that her feelings and views weren't as unusual as she had imagined. Suddenly, she didn't feel so alienated from the world and its inhabitants.

She felt human.


	9. Chapter 9

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By the end of the day Bella was, as usual, slightly dishevelled, but instead of feeling too bit up to care about it, she took the time to recompose her appearance. She smiled at the mirror and it returned the compliment, no longer an enemy but rather a powerful ally. Seeing the positive result of her effort, Bella decided to take her time going home, detouring from her habitual route to visit an elegant cocktail bar. Bella had never enjoyed the pleasure of a "happy hour", it was an unacceptable flaw that she was determined to remedy at once.

Sitting alone by the counter was the hardest thing the shy and insecure Bella had ever done. Her hands shook and a trickle of seat ran down her spine, however, she pushed her limits, faking easiness, until the strain lessened and finally faded. When the second drink arrived, Bella was brave enough to lift her eyes from the fruity concoction where her eyes had rested for the past thirty minutes. Looking around she realized that far from being the most unattractive woman on the place, she was actually attracting some interest from men.

The neglected mousy girl, who didn't attend prom due to a lack of date, was squealing happily inside the thirty three year old woman smiling invitingly to her admirers.

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Yesterday I lost a piece of my soul, R.I.P. Lívia.


	10. Chapter 10

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He came from behind; voice laced with desire and innuendo, he whispered words of flattery on her ear. Bella would have been delighted had the attention come from any other man, but, as fate would have it, her bold admirer was none other than her own boyfriend. Petulantly, Edward brushed her hair aside, letting his breath caress her exposed nape. Her traitorous body shivered in pleasure, it had been long deprived from the joy of being touched.

Feeling the heat of his body she almost convinced herself that he had recognized her, but Bella had always been a down-to-earth kind of girl who suppressed fanciful flights of imagination. She felt tears burning her eyes, but refused to let the extent of her hurt show. Slowly, she turned on the stool praying for the strength to maintain her composure. However, the look of abject astonishment on Edward's face only made Bella want to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Instead of making a scene, Bella chose to pat his cheek and elegantly walk away from Edward; her emotions would be dealt with once she reached the safety of her apartment. Her masterful departure soothed the wound delivered to her fragile pride, for what had been a suspicion was know a certainty: Edward was a cheater.


	11. Chapter 11

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In the darkness of her living room, Bella sought comfort on the depths of Ben & Jerry's. She needed a sweet treat to assuage the bitterness betrayal had left on her mouth. Eating also helped in postponing the tears of humiliation and the soreness of her heart. As long as she kept her mouth occupied, no anguish would occupy her mind. So, a second carton followed the first and when it was over she had run out of ice-cream.

No longer able to avoid the feelings swirling in her heart, she cried. However, her tears weren't the pathetic lament of the helpless; they were the angry oath of the strong, promising retribution. The sobs rising from her soul didn't mourn the loss of a loved one; they grieved for all the stolen time that could never be restored. Bella realized that she wasn't crying for the man, but for the person she had become: a woman who had annulled herself for the dubious honor of belonging to a deceitful man.

It would be easy to lay all the blame on Edward, but that would have been childish and counterproductive. Bella acknowledged that her life was the product of convoluted choices and if she was to change the path of destiny, she would have to own up to her mistakes and try to do better next time.

She was weary and unhappy, but bravely held herself together, because the ball was in her court and the next move would have to be carefully planned.


	12. Chapter 12

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As luck would have it, Bella was spared from the burden of making a decision, for a contrite Edward came over to her place. There were tears on his eyes and remorse on his voice; he begged for forgiveness, for a second chance. Before her, there wasn't any trace of the practiced Casanova she had met earlier, just a tortured man begging for a second chance. His words were barely heard over the roar of Bella's tumultuous thoughts and emotions; she wanted to run, she wanted to stay. Above all she wanted to erase the knowledge of Edward's lies.

However, life didn't offer a rewind option, once the cat was out of the bag there was no putting it back inside. So many times before she had surrendered to the tempting comfort of forgetting, it would be so easy to open her arms and welcome Edward that she ached with the need to feel the warmth of his embrace. But accepting his half-hearted excuses wouldn't erase the heartbreak, it would simply cause the misery to prolong itself; she would be always looking for signs of betrayal, for things that might not even be there.

She knew there was only one path to take, it would be hard and scary, but she felt good about it.


	13. Chapter 13

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From a tender age Bella had learned the value of compliance as a mean to conquer a person's affection. Throughout her life, she suppressed her opinions and desires, becoming what people expected her to be. Pleasing everybody was an exhausting undertaking that left Bella feeling dirty, for she wasn't merely a people pleaser, she had become a consummate liar.

Had she been confronted with Edward's infidelity just a week earlier, Bella would have chosen not to talk about it, for she would have been sure that no good would ever come out from confrontation. Due to Bella's recent epiphany, she felt strong enough to get what she needed to make an informed choice.

Determined not to make hasty decisions, Bella contemplated the problem at hand. Her mind was a maze of spiteful words and childish tantrums, but she was determined to avoid extremes at all costs, because she wanted to handle it as a mature adult. With that thought her mind cleared, like the sun breaking through gray clouds, Bella focused on the one point that truly mattered.

Edward's next words had the potential to destroy her hurt, but she needed the truth and was willingly to pay the price to attain it. She looked into his eyes and asked:

"Why, Edward?"

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**AN: Yesterday I wasn't able to post, sorry guys... But today you get two chapters, so I hope you can forgive me.**


	14. Chapter 14

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Edward ran his hand through his hair, looking down at the carpet, he frowned in concentration, probably trying to figure out what response could soften his girlfriend's heart. Bella dispassionately observed the emotions playing on Edward's face; it was interesting to notice that none of them conveyed regret. He was a cornered man but not a repentant one, obviously his only sorrow was getting caught.

And Bella felt small again, for no matter what changes she attempted to implement, the truth remained unchangeable: she didn't matter to anybody. Apparently, she wasn't even worth the effort of concocting a good lie, for his lips remained sealed on the guilty silence of the sinners. She felt dejected and exhausted, heaving a sigh she told Edward to leave. He didn't put up a fight.

Standing, she looked out the window, contemplating the pain twisting her insides and crowding her mind. She wasn't mourning for the man she believed to love, but for herself, a woman who had never known the comfort of love. Bella didn't cry, for there were no tears left, she numbly stood on the same spot until the light of day came and her legs gave out due to the strain of sustaining her shacking body.


	15. Chapter 15

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That day Bella called in sick for the first time in years. She decided that time away from the world would be the best balm to her bruised heart. Faking normalcy, while inside she was falling apart, didn't appeal to Bella. The privacy of her secluded apartment would be the best place to exorcise the need for a good cry. Eventually, she would plaster a smile on her face, pretending to be the same woman and that nothing monumental had taken place. But until she had built a foundation strong enough to sustain her lies, Bella would protect herself by being alone.

She opted not to suppress anything or try to get a hold of herself. Grief washed over her, suffocating her soul with the sobs of a deep wound. She curled on the floor like a helpless child; yelled in rage like an avenging angel; cried silently like a dutiful woman; for she was all that and much more. That day she exorcised all the pain that the benign neglect to which she had always been submitted to. Soul clean and strength restored, Bella accepted that the past couldn't be rewritten; there was no point in brooding over events she had no power to change.

The future; that's where her eyes should remain.

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Today I lost Mia... may she rest in peace.


	16. Chapter 16

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For all of my reviewers, thank you for reading. For Rashell, my dear anonymous reviewer to whom I would love to respond**.**

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Impeccably dressed and fashionably late, Bella entered the coffee shop. As she had anticipated, Edward stood by the counter, a sad attempt at ambushing Bella. Just a few days ago, Bella would have interpreted it as a nice, romantic gesture, but now she could see it for what it was: a man's necessity to maintain the comfort of routine.

Sighing inwardly, she kept a neutral expression on her face while steeling herself for the conversation ahead. Of course, he lied, made promises that both of them knew were bound to be broken. Bella listened with uncompromising ears, wondering why she had allowed his empty words to ensnare her into believing they had anything real.

Looking into his eyes, she almost believed on the emotion they emulated so well; affection, love and desire were there, on his green orbs. She simply stated the demise of their relationship and walked away. Any observer would think her to be composed, perhaps even cold, but she was simply holding back her sobs of sadness over the loss of a dream.

Later that day, one of her co-workers approached her desk and asked her out. As many times before, Bella wondered if she was about to be the butt of a joke. Suppressing the urge to look around, she accepted the invitation for drinks after work.

It was the first time she had been asked out, for real anyway.


	17. Chapter 17

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For all of my reviewers, thank you for reading. For Rashell, my dear anonymous reviewer to whom I would love to respond**.**

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The experience of being asked out gave Bella's confidence a much needed boost. Jacob was a good looking man, maybe one of two years her senior, a brilliant lawyer and a genuinely good person. On previous opportunities, she had taken notice of the radiance of his smile and the gentility of his words, Bella had sighed and wished that a man as fine as Jacob would one day pay her attention.

Sitting on the bar, she marvelled at the fact that not only Jacob had asked her out, but he was actually there with her, his eyes never straying, listening to everything she said and paying her compliments that somehow didn't seem phony or rehearsed. Jacob chose her; Bella couldn't help but feel extremely flattered by that simple fact.

For hours they talked ranging from legal matters to silly old stories about their childhood. They didn't have much in common, but their differences always guaranteed a good laugh or a heated debate. Bella smiled, gestured, freed by the knowledge that he wouldn't repudiate her if she showed him the real woman within. Bella irradiated warmth and vitality, holding the attention of more than her companion.

Not far from where she sat, a broken man observed her every move, hungering for the woman that he had been denied.


	18. Chapter 18

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It wasn't the ravishing fire of romance novels, nor did she feel mindless with desire or blinded by passion. It was calm and comforting, like a warm Sunday morning. Jacob, was the good guy mothers adored and girls tended to overlook. But Bella was well beyond girlhood, therefore perfectly aware of the jewel she had been given.

He treated her like a princess, opening doors and the olive jar, he kissed and he cuddled but never pressured her. With Edward sexual intercourse had felt hushed and slightly shady, it always left Bella feeling dirty, like a woman willing to sacrifice her virtue in order to receive a modicum of affection.

Jacob felt different, as the memory of a pure first love Bella never experienced. His touch didn't evoke nausea and self-loathing, it simply left her heart warm and her body wishing for an encore. It was comfortable and sweet; she felt appreciated; she felt deserving. The healing presence of Jacob afforded Bella the seeds of self-respect; under his tutelage she learned to value herself.

It was an idyllic interlude on a less than pleasing life. She had been granted the romance all women yearned for and it would have lasted for a lifetime had it not been for the interference of Charlie Swan.


	19. Chapter 19

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He came announced, as was his habit. Charlie had long accepted that he would never be welcomed by his daughter, so he might as well ambush her. Their relationship had always been somewhat distant and cold, more so after Renée's passing. Neither truly relished the company of the other, but they strived to maintain a semblance of cordiality, at least.

Over coffee, Charlie advocated Edward's cause, claiming that men were hardly ever faithful and the best they could offer was a secure income. On her father's eyes Edward made good money, was nice enough never to hit a woman and would never hit his wife; therefore he was the best son-in-law he could ever hope for, given Bella's lack of charms.

Bella felt belittled and angry, for Charlie had mastered the art of preying on her insecurities. She was too old, too ugly, too fat, too stupid, too weak to survive on her own. All of that said as if he was a concerned father; maybe he was, on his own tortuous way. However, Bella only felt the sting of his words, the betrayal of his lack of faith in his own daughter.

She remained quiet throughout his speech, thoughts jumbled and sentiments too raw to say anything. Charlie left without giving her the chance to formulate a response.

Alone and bewildered, Bella cried a single tear for the loving father she would never have.


	20. Chapter 20

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Throughout her life Bella had made sensible choices, for she was the intelligent, mild-tempered, level-headed one. Growing up, Bella never experienced the stability of a loving family; her mother too depressed to nurture her children, her father too absent to care. As an adult, Bella chose the safety of well-known paths, shunning the appeal of adventure, because she craved the security that only the endless repetition of unsurprising days could afford.

Bella had a decision to make. Her future, which had always been a straight road leading to well known places, now offered an alternative route. It was twisted and unclear, leading to unforeseen places, away from everything she had always been. If she chose to pursue it, happiness could be the ultimate prize, but she feared the potential for suffering along the way. Bella believed she lacked the fortitude to carve her own way, she saw herself as weak and needy, unattractive and undeserving.

Or she could be the dutiful daughter, listen to her father's advice. Life with Edward would hold no surprises, she knew him well. They would never be truly happy, on their brighter moments he could possibly make her content. But she would be secure in the knowledge of what lay ahead; no great anguish where there wasn't much feeling. Life would be undemanding, easy, bearable.

In the awake of her decision, dreams were abandoned for the dreariness of a self-imposed reality.


	21. Chapter 21

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He seemed different, somehow. Perhaps he felt warmer and more attentive, a lover instead of a rogue. During the day, messages were exchanged and every night he would visit her, staying the night if she invited him to. Whenever they met on a professional capacity, he was still a little distant, but considerably more attentive. Edward was truly making an effort, just like he had promised to.

It had been two weeks since Charlie's visit; ten days since allowing Edward back into her life. He had come over with pizza and her favourite movie; they had a good time, sealed by an almost chaste kiss and his promise to be a better man. He had upheld his end of the bargain; so had Bella, for she agreed to never bring up the past, they were starting anew. To herself, Bella promised not to hide behind the placid mask of an indifferent woman.

So, she made an effort to express her thoughts and feelings, refraining from fading into the ignominy of blind acceptance. Sometimes, Edward seemed to be genuinely surprised by her comments and actions, almost always the little insights left him with a pleased look on his eyes.

Life would have been great had it not been for that short period of time when dreams seemed possible.


	22. Chapter 22

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On previous encounters, Edward had kept foreplay to a minimum, always eager for the grand finale. However, since their reconciliation, he had been more attentive to his girlfriend's needs, going as far as pleasuring her orally, an act that had never been performed upon Bella. It had been a shock, a good one, to feel the texture of Edward's tongue, the gentle sucking and tugging. She orgasmed violently and finally understood why people were so obsessed with sex.

The bliss of being thoroughly pleasured pushed away deeply rooted insecurities, allowing Bella's sexuality to blossom. They discovered that far from being prudish an inhibited, she was actually passionate and playful, an eager participant instead of a passive observant. Freed from the burden of second guessing her every move, Bella became inventive, eliciting laughs and moans from her partner.

After each sexual congress, they would lay on each other's arms, exchanging light caresses and absurd observations. The tension that had always stilted their conversations was absent, like it had somehow been obliterated over night. Bella was more than content, she felt almost happy and complete. She marvelled at the transformation their relationship had gone through and wondered if she was partly to blame for all the unhappiness she had previously felt whenever dealing with Edward.


	23. Chapter 23

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Heaven, the metaphysical summit of blessed goodness, that's where Bella believed herself to be. She no longer felt like the ugly duckling trying to pose as a swan, undeserving of life and happiness, but rather as the princess of her fancies, for life had become perilously close to dreams. She lived on a suspended state of unbridled contentment, the sort of which a little girl might experience when presented with a much anticipated doll.

However, juvenile dreams had a way of wearing themselves out, for they were nothing more than paragons of perfection and humans are notoriously disquieted by the placidity of flawless lives. Being human, ordinarily so, Bella was confronted with a startling paradox: her every desire had been fulfilled, nevertheless there was a growing restlessness agitating her soul. She felt increasingly annoyed by Edward's very existence, especially when he was tender and tried to coax her out of a dark mood. Work was a burden instead of a joy, she no longer relished the victories, focusing only on the defeats.

Months dragged on while Bella struggled, but in the end she had to relent to the merciless truth: all her dreams had come true, but it wasn't enough.

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**AN:**Yesterday was Valentine's Day, I hope you can understand why there was no update...


	24. Chapter 24

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She was walking down a busy street, her mind drifting through many unformed ideas when she was hit by an epiphany. The sudden realization had her gasping for air, struggling not to fall to her knees with the weight of acknowledging something that, even though clear to the observer, had always eluded her own conscious knowledge. Happiness wasn't a product of circumstances, but an inner fortress built within one's soul.

Fate could place a never ending amount of blessings on her way and she still wouldn't be able to feel complete. A few years ago she had watched a documentary about happiness, many people were interviewed, but a woman caught her attention. The woman was unattractive, to put it kindly, fat, single, forty and poor... and she had the most dazzling smile Bella had ever observed; she was happy.

Possessing material things, be it money or beauty, had nothing to do with happiness; it all came down to being, to that ethereal thread that composed the inner core of a person. One could never achieve it, unless brave enough to uncover the deep recesses of one's soul. It was a frightening thought, for once stripped from the layers of defence Bella had donned for all of her life, what would be left?

Bella wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.


	25. Chapter 25

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Living in the shadows of possibilities was barely an existence, let alone a life. With that thought in mind Bella took a steadying breath and took the final step towards an unknown destination. It would have been a dramatic way to portray a simple deed, since it merely described the act of entering Dr. Weber's office, but for Bella it was truly a leap of faith.

For weeks she had debated with herself the necessity and the utility of seeking out professional help. A part of her reasoned that she was healthy, sane and moderately happy, just as any other human being; consequently seeing a doctor would be futile. However, there was the other part, the nagging one, who argued valiantly in favour of deserving more from life than what others deemed acceptable.

The matter was resolved due to an unusual confession made by Alice, one of her co-workers, with whom Bella had developed a friendship of sorts. Bella had always refrained from commenting on the pills Alice religiously took right after lunch. One day, Alice caught her puzzled look and, instead of skirting away from the issue, explained that she had always suffered from depression, making therapy and medication necessary to the maintenance of her sanity. If sweet, adored Alice could survive facing her demons, Bella decided that so could she.

Bella made an appointment and on the next day she sat nervously before her psychiatrist.


	26. Chapter 26

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Bella talked about everything and the little nothings that amounted to the great hurts and anxieties that she had long denied. She told Dr. Weber about her childhood sweetheart, Marty, to whom she had meant the world until puberty hit and her body had failed to mature fast enough. She had been dumped for a girl with a hint of breasts and blond hair, that had been the beginning of the love-hate relationship she had with her own body,

For no apparent reason, her mind had jumped ten years into the future, leading her to her first sexual experience. It had been rough, painful and demeaning; nevertheless, she had chased the man for over a year, eager to conquer his love. She had believed that it had been an act of love, just like her mother had promised it would be. It took her some time, but Bella finally accepted that it had been another sordid encounter born out of need and nothing more.

Usually, she would have struggled to contain the memories and avoid the pain they resurrected. But Bella was no longer herself; she had become this new being eager to be vulnerable, baring her soul so that she could be known. Out of the shadows and into the light, Bella was ready to delve into self-awareness.

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	27. Chapter 27

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There were times when Bella felt like walking away, from life, from therapy, from herself. Masks down and excuses off, she came to know a woman persuaded by fear to stand outside life, despite her eagerness to become a real person. She was constantly presented with all the things she had systematically avoided, being forced to deal with the consequences of denying the extent of her wounds.

Instead of stronger she felt weaker, raw, exposed. Most of the times, after leaving Dr. Weber's office, Bella would walk aimlessly looking for an encounter with destiny, the sort that would make all choices and actions obsolete. It would be a long time before the fates would cross her path, but she had no way of foreseeing the many years between then and the time when her wish would be granted.

She was constantly weary, yearning for a simpler kind of life, a more natural way of being. Her mind constantly occupied with images of the many possibilities that could have come to pass had her choices been different. It was an old pattern, difficult to abandon, almost impossible to overcome.

On the most difficult days, Bella found comfort on the arms of an improbable supporter: Edward.


	28. Chapter 28

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Imperceptibly, Edward became the rock upon which Bella's new self was built. If she was upset, Edward patiently dried her tears, sitting her on his lap and murmuring words of encouragement. If she was happy, he would share her joy and make it theirs instead of hers. In his arms she found the shelter that had always seemed to be an impossible reality. Edward succeeded in making himself indispensable to the beautiful woman emerging from the turbulence that had assailed Bella's otherwise ordered life.

The new Bella was a mix of the woman she had always been and the woman she had been on the verge of becoming. Bella no longer was a being detached from her life, but she didn't become the strong mistress of her own fate. She had self-esteem and was definitely more assertive, making sure to receive all the appreciation she deserved, but she still lacked the fire that denotes the existence of one's soul.

Nevertheless, Bella felt content with all the positive changes brought upon by therapy and Edward's change of attitude. She truly didn't mind sacrificing a part of herself as long as she got to hold on to the wonder of living all of her old dreams. She failed to realize that her old dreams had died with her old self and that living of nostalgia was confining the wings that burned with the need to be spread.


	29. Chapter 29

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Out of the blue came the question Bella longed to avoid and the answer, which she had once thought would be an easy one, didn't come to her lips. She was actually floored by the sudden realization that, despite all the reasoning she had been doing, her relationship with Edward remained unjustified.

Thanks to therapy, Bella had acknowledged that the true nature of her feelings for Edward tended to need, instead of to real affection or admiration. She had felt flattered by his willingness to enter a relationship with her, for no men had been predisposed to do so until then, ergo her reluctance in letting go of what she had believe to be her only shot at marriage and children. However, Bella's eyes had been opened for the myriad of possibilities within her grasp; she no longer felt trapped by a lack of choices.

Despite all that, she still came back to Edward and with him she remained. The reason behind her behaviour was something that had been trying to find its way to her conscious mind for some time. So, Bella shouldn't have been surprised by Dr. Weber's perceptive question: "What does Edward mean to you?"


	30. Chapter 30

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As her hour drew to a close, Bella was spared from having to elaborate a response, however, she had the impression that Dr. Weber wasn't really aiming for it, since she had the annoying habit of asking rhetorical questions. Bella ruffed before leaving, making no effort to conceal how disgruntled she was by the doctor's impertinence.

For days, Bella made a conscious effort to smother the echoes of Dr. Weber's voice, but it was still there, a continuous whisper of disquieting force. She struggled fiercely until the fates decided to intervene by providing a casual encounter between Bella and Jacob. Staring at the smiling face of the man she had almost loved, Bella couldn't help but make comparisons. And right then, she had an answer.

She sat on a dark corner of an obscure coffee house, her mind trying to process what her heart had known all along. Hours passed before she could even start to consider what should be her next step. Of course, there was only one way to go and even though it would be the hardest thing she had ever done.

Standing on the threshold of Edward's front door, she pronounced the words that would seal her fate:

"Edward, we need to talk."


	31. Chapter 31

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For long minutes, no words were exchanged. Their silence was a testament to the finality of the discussion about to take place and neither was especially eager to be the one to brave the anxiousness simmering between them. Bella knew she had been the one to set in motion the long process that had brought them to that moment, it would only be fair if she would be the one to speak first, but she sat frozen, staring at the men she had once thought was the key to her happiness and the future she had wished for. Edward looked into her eyes with shattering tenderness before breaking the stillness of the room. Amongst all the things that could have been said, he selected the only one that truly mattered:

"Despite everything, I truly care for you."

"Then, why Edward? Why seek the company of other women when I was here, yearning for your love, dreaming of the day when you would pay attention to me? Why could you never give me the affection that I so obviously needed? Why force yourself back into my life? Why have you been putting up a show of the loving, doting boyfriend? I don't understand and I need to understand! Why? Tell me, tell me...".

She was out of breath and out of words, her tirade was long coming but she had been genuinely surprised by the strong emotions swirling in her heart. It seemed that, regardless of the months she had had to prepare, Bella couldn't handle the situation with the cold hauteur she would have liked. She was weeping, even sobbing; to her everlasting mortification, her feelings were out of hand, dominating her mind and actions. Where was the cerebral creature she had always prided herself of being? She was nowhere in sight, there was just this ferocious, wounded woman who demanded satisfaction.

Edward's jaw was set, even though there was a slight shake to his hand when he compulsively ran it through his hair. His voice was even when he answered and if he was feeling anything beyond mild annoyance, he carefully concealed it behind the mask of impassivity that had suddenly downed on his face.

"I could offer you a thousand answers and none of them would be true. It's who I am, who I have always been."

No fancy words or elaborate explanations, just the truth. It wasn't liberating as she had hoped it would be. It didn't help her understand or move on. It wasn't the lengthy discussion she had steeled herself for. It simply was. His eyes conveyed a challenge, along the lines of "take me as I am or leave me, but don't expect me to change". Edward's instance was aggressive instead of contrite, a man delivering an ultimatum. Bella was taken aback by the way he had turned the tables on her, for he was behaving as the injured party. She bristled and was ready to deliver a set down when something flickered in his eyes, a sense of loss and regret, a emotion so deep that could have only been borne from the depths of his soul. Perhaps, she had imagined it, however, she didn't believe that her eyes had deceived her.

Understanding downed on her with the force of a nuclear explosion. She had always maligned Edward, for he was cold and distant, unable to treat her with the affection and respect she deserved. Bella had cast him on the role of the villain and herself as the helpless maiden, but life was not a fairy tale; between white and black, a whole spectrum of colours existed, just as between good and evil. She wasn't exactly blameless, for she had purposefully withheld her true self from him. In trying to become whatever pleased him, she had never allowed Edward to know of her wishes. So, how could she fault him when he failed to live up to her expectations? She wasn't a human being when dealing with him, she was an amalgam of what she thought he wanted and a woman reluctant to expose herself. When she changed, he tried to accommodate her, but it was too little, too late. No, Edward wasn't blameless, but he wasn't exactly the scoundrel she had made him to be.

It was time to become the woman she longed to be and let go of fears that had governed her life for far too long. They were still there, she suspected that they would never truly leave, but Bella was ready to battle them and come out the winner. She was still over thirty and overweight; one condition was a fact of life, the other was something she planned to change within the near future; but they no longer seemed to be enough reasons to compel Bella to settle for less than she deserved. Bella had grown out of her shell and she could no longer stay in a relationship that promised nothing but constrain. It was time to put on her big girls panties and say goodbye to the man who had once held her heart.

"You know, right at the beginning, I loved you dearly. There you were, this handsome, coveted man, paying attention to me, the unattractive nerd."

Edward tried to interrupt her, but Bella would have none of that. This confession was hard enough as it was, she had no desire to make it into an argument. Bella simply had too many feelings and thoughts bottled up, she needed to voice them in order to wash out her heart from all the bitterness that still lingered.

"No, please, I need to say this". After nodding his assent, Edward sat down and, perhaps for the first time, gave Bella his undivided attention.

"As I was saying, I was so in love with you. Edward, the guy who was perfect in every way, had chosen me. I felt flattered, elated and... undeserving. So, I set myself to an impossible task: to become whatever you wanted, better said, what I thought you wanted. Of course, I was doomed to fail. And I resented myself for it. Then, I resented you for not being what I wanted when I was trying so hard to be what you wanted. It was unfair of me, to both of us."

She came to stand before Edward and bending over took his face between her hands.

"I had and still have many self-esteem issues. Being with you brought them to the forefront of my mind, to the point where I could no longer hide from them. You never loved me, I have always known that. And how could you, when I didn't even like myself? Your indifference fed my insecurities. Consciously or not, I don't know and I don't really want to discover, when I tried to free myself from my issues you made me dependant on you. However, I'm grateful; had it not been for you I probably would have sailed through life without really living, hiding behind impossible dreams. Without you, I would never have found my inner voice and discovered the strength to survive my own demons. For that, I will always remember you fondly".

She touched her lips to his forehead on a light caress, shedding a tear of regret for what might have been, had they found each other on another time, as more evolved beings. She left without truly saying goodbye, missing Edward's uneven voice whispering that she was wrong, oh, so wrong, "I cared for you, I love you", he declared to the unbearably empty room.

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**AN: **No, it's not the end, but it is time to know Edward.


	32. Chapter 32

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_"Only if we are caught and punished can we be saved." - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club._

Nursing a beer between his hands, Edward watched the play of life unfolding inside the overcrowded bar; the overdone women, the lecherous men, the flirtatious bartenders, the timid wallflowers. On the overlooked products of a shallow society, his eyes lingered, in the vain hope of getting a glimpse of her. However, she was no longer a recalcitrant beauty, she had flourished and achieved her full potential. If she were there, she would be on the dancing floor, laughing and shinning, as she ought to.

Bella. She had been the perfect woman to share the life he had craved for as long as he could remember. They should have been married, perhaps with a baby on the way. Their life would have been idyllic; she would embrace him when he came home, they would have dinner with the kids, they would make love before sleeping. Their marriage would be solid enough to survive his eventual detours from the marriage bed, for he would always come back to her.

However, he refused to succumb to the unwanted emotions thoughts of Bella elicited. He was a man, therefore impervious to the intermittent voice of conscience insinuating guilt, and he was on the prowl for an unsuspecting, yet to be selected, prey. He would bury himself between her thighs and succumb to the numbness of spent desire, suppressing the pain he had brought upon himself.


	33. Chapter 33

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He was fine. There was nothing self-destructive about a man playing the field, for there were many beauties in this world and it was a man's prerogative to acquaint himself with as many desirable females as he could before settling down. Though he had almost taken the plunge, he could know be grateful for Bella's attitude, for he realized that there was still much to be explored before being weighted down by responsibility.

Of course, he was fine. In his line of work, being aggressive was an asset, not a liability, as his captain seemed to believe. He didn't particularly care if some suspect would have to bear the brunt of it; no innocent soul would be accused of the vile crimes he dealt with on a daily basis. If, by some quirk of destiny, a blameless man felt the weight on his hand, oh, well, he was human, therefore bound to err.

Yes, he was fine. He was just improving his social life by drinking and partying almost every night. He was just cleaning the streets from criminals by laying down his own version of the law. He was just living again, after being stifled by the constraints of a relationship. He was just moving on.

Fine, until he was alone, then there was no escaping from the ghost of her.


	34. Chapter 34

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It happened on an unremarkable morning, of an undistinguished day. He was sneaking away from yet another girl, trying to prevent the pathetic display of courtesy that followed a one-night stand and the unwelcomed attempt at making it into something more meaningful than it had been. Edward could never understand why his occasional lovers were so hell-bent on extricating promises that both parties knew were bond to be broken. If even… his line of thought was brutally interrupted by the sight of _her_.

Bella was leaving the gym, a becoming flush on her cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes. There was an aura of happiness surrounding her, enhancing her physical appeal to an unbearable level. Edward convinced himself that it was pure male fascination for a desirable female that kept his eyes glued to the woman flirtatiously smiling at her companion. Outraged, Edward fisted his hands, eager to hurt the man who had his woman's smiles. Fortunately, he regained control before making a scene, inconspicuously observing her retreating form. She owed him nothing, she was no longer his.

She had changed while he remained the same. Despite his best efforts, he hadn't been enough to make her stay. Curling his lips in disdain, he cursed his mulish thoughts, for that wasn't the manly way of dealing with a woman's deception. Spotting a bar he decided to have a beer and bed the first willing female that crossed his path.


	35. Chapter 35

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Lying on a puddle of his stomach's rejects, Edward laughed at the absurdity of his predicament, for it had been years since the last time he had felt so wretched after a night of debauchery. Apparently, Edward's body was less than pleased about the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Stomach growling, he was dismayed by the realization that there was no food to be had, for he was always delaying the trip to the grocery store. That was one of the many inconveniencies of Bella's desertion because she had always taken care of his nutritional needs.

Deciding to go out for food, he was annoyed to notice how foul his body smelled. After taking a shower, he was astonished to realize that he had no clean clothes. She was the one who did the laundry. Incensed, he wondered if he was doomed to be confronted with the absence of her for the rest of his life. Surely, he didn't miss her; it's just that life had been so much more comfortable when she had been around. Maybe it was time to find her replacement; there were hordes of girls eager to become a pair. The more he thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Nobody was irreplaceable, not even the girl he had planned to marry.


	36. Chapter 36

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Edward woke up to the strident voice of the annoying female who refused to accept her complete lack of musical gift. She wasn't a beauty, however, her looks might have been passable had she refrained from wearing so much makeup. She wasn't exactly young either, but she stubbornly dressed as an eighteen year old would, instead of alluring she simply looked vulgar and desperate.

She wasn't a great conversationalist either. Her most brilliant academic achievement had been graduating from high school, though sometimes Edward doubted the veracity of her allegation. She preferred reality shows over literature, even watching a movie was too demanding to her limited tastes.

She wasn't a catch, Edward was well aware of that. But her cooking was eatable and she kept the place relatively clean, besides she worshipped him, showing her gratitude by fulfilling his every command. She was particularly skilled between the sheets and Edward availed himself of her many talents frequently. She wasn't wife material, but very few women were. Once he had found someone better she would be promptly discarded, for he couldn't imagine sharing his life with her.

For all her flaws, she fulfilled Edward's needs handsomely. Edward was content to let her stay, for now. Mildly irritated by her singing, Edward joined Tanya in the shower, fully intending to take his anger on her willing body.


	37. Chapter 37

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN: **I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, anonymous or not, I've always loved to read your comments and rest assured that I take everything you say to my heart. You guys are the best!

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She carried herself with grace and poise, a woman conscious of her power, comfortable in her skin. Confidently, she nodded her greetings, the gesture was one that had been enacted many times over the years; however, it wasn't the same. In her eyes there was no glimmer of the yearning affection that used to steal his breath away every time; there was only the superficial interest one directs towards an acquaintance.

Denying his feelings, Edward wasn't about to admit the way his heart had constricted painfully, nor the sudden blur of tears clouding his vision. He wasn't a man prone to tender emotions; in his opinion a man who cried was a disgrace to the male race. Gritting his teeth against the onslaught of emotions, Edward reasoned that it was anger he felt. With that in mind, he sneered at her and laughed at her bewildered face, for he wasn't going to be civil to the woman who had the gall to pretend that nothing had changed.

Conveniently forgetting most of their final conversation, Edward told himself that she was the one who didn't meet his standards. He turned away from Bella, ignoring the silent screams of a man denied his most ardent desire.


	38. Chapter 38

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Grabbing her hips, he slammed into her tightness with all the force of a boar in rut. Deaf to anything but the pounding of his heart, Edward lost himself in the pleasure of consuming the flesh of the woman he loved. The clenching of her inner muscles indicated the enjoyment she derived of their frenetic coupling. Satisfied with her response, Edward worked their bodies into a crescendo until the point of no return. Breathless, he tenderly took her into his arms. It was such a relief to finally possess her in the way he had always longed to.

But the illusion couldn't last forever; soon he felt her too rough hands caressing his face, her too loud voice saying vulgar words. Opening his eyes, he stared at the face of the wrong woman. Tanya smiled lazily, trying to get back into his arms. Pushing her away, Edward got dressed and left the too oppressive atmosphere of his apartment. He needed to clear his head of thoughts of her, purge his skin from the memories of her touch, rid his heart of his feelings for her.

He resented her, hated her, wanted her, despised her, loved her... Bella was everything and she was lost to him.


	39. Chapter 39

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN**: Thank you dear reviewers, rest assured that these characters will live happily ever after… eventually.

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On his mind only thoughts of her, in his heart a multitude of emotions for her; the aftermath of his encounter with Tanya brought the unexpected revelation of his attachment to Bella. Disconcerted by the power she had over him, Edward didn't waste time in finding the magical place where obliviousness could be bought and pains could be healed. The bar was somewhat shabby but served its purpose beautifully, for Edward needed time to brood. Alcohol and denial led him to the conclusion that it was time to find a woman fit to the role of wife and mother. With thoughts of settling down, he went home to the woman he planned to dispose of.

Drunk and irritated, Edward ordered Tanya away, but the insensible woman failed to realize the precariousness of the situation. Tanya's refusal to obey his command inflamed his self-righteous anger. Incensed beyond reason, Edward succumbed to less than civil impulses by bodily removing Tanya from his apartment, callously exposing her to the curious eyes of the shocked neighbours. Laughing at her tears, he proceeded to dispose of her belongings, throwing them out the window, into the street below.

Satisfied with his pointless display of power, Edward grabbed yet another beer. Overcome by a comatose sleep, Edward didn't hear the officer knocking on his door.


	40. Chapter 40

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Like a men held captive by the unforgiving ocean, Edward valiantly fought to emerge. Edward's eyes refused to open to the overabundant light surrounding him, his arms felt heavy and his body alien. There was a thick fog clouding his mind, consequently he couldn't understand what was happening to him. Not even his mouth seemed willing to cooperate, for his tongue was too swollen to intelligibly pronounce any words. A prisoner of himself, Edward felt the desperation of being unable to relate with the outer world.

It took him a long time, but eventually he managed to open his eyes. Frantically looking for any known face, he was disappointed to see only unfamiliar blurs. Tired from the effort, he fell asleep before considering the next step. The second time he opened his eyes, he was greeted by a cheerful nurse who checked his vitals and assured him that everything was alright. However, he felt thirsty and hungry, but he still couldn't manage to efficiently convey his needs. Besides, there was some painful restrain chaffing his left wrist.

Trying to get the nurse's attention, Edward moved his head and finally realized that he was cuffed to the bed. He also discovered that a man sat by his bed, a displeased look on his austere face.

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**AN: **I couldn't update yesterday, so there will be two updates today.


	41. Chapter 41

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Edward was surprised to see his father, for their meetings were limited to the holydays when he would drive down the state to visit his mother. As it was fitting for men, their relationship was distant, no mellow feelings or demonstrations of affection, physical contact only went as far as shacking hands. Carlisle was a man known by his rational, overly calculating approach to life; it did wonders for his chosen career, since being a cop demanded a good amount of self-control. Carlisle's personal life was perfectly ordered and completely devoid of drama; every moment of his existence was meticulously planned and perfectly executed. He was Edward's role model, the one person in the world Edward aspired to be.

Hence the shame coursing through Edward's veins, the cold shiver of dread running down his spine and the twinge of fear accelerating his heart. He no longer felt as a grown man capable of defending himself, whenever in his father's company, Edward reverted to the powerless child he had been. The worst thing about Carlisle's methods was the unpredictability of his moves, for he had always been a master strategist. No, Carlisle Cullen didn't need to resort to physical violence, but that didn't mean he wasn't a brute.

Smiling serenely, Carlisle approached the bed and touched Edward's forehead.


	42. Chapter 42

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Contrary to Edward's beliefs, Carlisle was proud, because, to his way of thinking, his son had merely defended his property from a vicious harpy who refused to leave. Despite his preference for more subtle ways of dealing with complicated situations, Carlisle couldn't fault his son since there was no real physical harm done to the female. Carlisle pulled some strings and in no time Edward was cleared from all charges.

However, Carlisle wasn't a man who condoned weakness in any form, especially in his only son. Edward's alcohol abuse was a slap in Carlisle's face, for he had long despised a man's incapacity to conquer his own cravings. Making it clear to Edward where his displeasure lay, Carlisle retired from the room, solemnly ordering his son to seek professional help, if necessary. Sneering at the idea of a men being so feeble as to need a crutch Carlisle stormed out the room.

Bewildered by the visit, Edward didn't notice her presence until a long time later. Sitting on the corner, as quiet as a statue, Esme keenly watched his every move. Smiling tentatively, Edward extended his hand to his beloved mother. However, Esme didn't take the invitation and for the first time Edward really looked at her.


	43. Chapter 43

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Throughout his life, Edward had come to associate Esme with the image of the perfect wife, the loving mother and the fulfilled woman. The idea of questioning those beliefs had never crossed his mind, since she never gave him cause to doubt the veracity of his assumptions. Selfish, as most younglings are, Edward had been too concerned with his own pursuits to truly see the woman hiding behind the doting mother and the dedicated wife. He grew up believing that his father had the right of things, since Esme was always so happy and devoted.

However, the woman staring back at him held no similarity with the mother he remembered. She was a bitter creature, her face marred with regret and disgust, her eyes holding only contempt for the object of her gaze. Edward was stunned by the recrimination emanating from the mother who had never scolded or punished her son. When Esme spoke, her voice was dispassionate and hollow, so unlike the melodic tones that usually coloured her speech.

"I shielded you from reality because I thought it would give you a chance at normalcy. I was wrong, for it only made you idealize a dysfunctional marriage. If ever you are ready to see the truth about the past, come to me."

Walking out of the room, Esme didn't see the tears blurring Edward's eyes.


	44. Chapter 44

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Advised by the union's lawyer, Edward signed the plea bargain offered by the District Attorney. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, for he had agreed to serve 90 hours of community labour, in addition to attending counselling sessions three times a week for the minimum period of two months. Compared to other sentences, it could be considered ruthless. But being part of the police force meant that Edward should be held above average standards, therefore his misconduct merited harsher punishment.

However, he wasn't properly chastised. Shame only came when he was leaving the court room. Amongst the multitude of unknown observers, two feminine faces stood out. The first one, vindictive and broken-hearted, tore at some unexplored part of Edward's soul. He didn't know how to apologize, but he would have to offer Tanya some sort of explanation.

The second one, sad and disappointed, inflicted the deepest wound Edward had ever endured. Bella stood ramrod straight, her accusatory gaze fixed on him. There was no telling what went through her mind, but she shuddered violently before severing the connection and walking away. To Edward, the message was clear: Bella was thankful for leaving him before she had become a victim. His victim.


	45. Chapter 45

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN: **Edward was charged with disorderly conduct, remember the yelling and the neighbours watching? The handcuffs and the sentence were pretty harsh, given the fact that he was a first time offender and the brevity of the altercation (but that would be my opinion, a judge might disagree). I hope that answers your questions; if not, don't hesitate in contacting me.

Thank you so much for reading.

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Oppressed by the accusatory glances of his co-workers, Edward escaped the building under the pretext of getting lunch. It was his first day back at work after a month long suspension. The time away was wisely spent in fulfilling the required hours of community service. He had also attended one counselling session which was spent in quiet contemplation due to Edward's refusal in uttering a single word.

He was contemplating the matter of how to approach his second session, scheduled for that afternoon, when he saw Bella entering the restaurant across the street, a man's hand resting on the small of her back. She looked up at the man guiding her and smiled Edward's smile, the one that used to be his alone.

For a fleeting moment, he was overwhelmed by betrayal and jealousy. He had done everything right. He had loved her, treated her with respect. He hadn't bothered her with his needs, he had taken care of that elsewhere. He had held her above all other females. Why wasn't that enough? Why couldn't she love him? Why couldn't they have the marital bliss his parents shared?

Through the haze of hurt, his mind recalled Esme's words, but he still wasn't ready to unveil their meaning.


	46. Chapter 46

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"_Would you have hit her?"_

It was session number five and Edward had valiantly kept his silence, resisting Dr. Weber's attempts at coaxing an answer out of him. However, faced with the question he had successfully avoided until then, Edward kept silent not out of spite, but because he truly didn't have an answer to offer.

And it scared him, the violence of his emotions and the carelessness of his actions. For all of his flaws, Edward had never been prone to resort to his fist in order to ascertain his authority. Besides, the absolute lack of control over his reaction to Tanya's refusal was more than a little alarming.

He had always been a paragon of self-control, always thinking before acting. Until that fatidic night, when he felt hate for a woman simply because she wasn't the one he longed to be with. The thought entered his mind unbidden. Nevertheless, he couldn't deny the reason for his uncharacteristic behaviour. Tanya was an innocent victim of his failure to manage the emotions elicited by the loss of Bella's affection.

Would he have hit her? He didn't know and was afraid to find out, but that wouldn't stop him from pursuing the answer.


	47. Chapter 47

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Apprehension made Edward's hands slightly unsteady when he presented Tanya with a bouquet of pink tulips, her favourite flower. It was a gesture he hadn't bothered with while they were dating, thus the stunned expression on Tanya's face.

After a moment, she regained her composure and warily invited him in. Unnerved, Edward shifted from one foot to the other, trying to get comfortable with the idea of apologizing. The deafening silence was broken by the chaotic speech pouring out from Edward's soul. By the end of his tirade, Edward was breathless and exhausted, anxiously waiting for Tanya's verdict.

The visit to Tanya was long overdue, but Edward had resisted the idea of acknowledging his own flaws. The courage to stand before Tanya and expose himself to her rejection was a direct product of Dr. Weber's painful question. Despite his actions, Edward cared about Tanya's well-being, for she was a nice woman, he just didn't want to be with her anymore.

Steadily enduring Tanya's scrutiny, Edward resisted the impulse to press her for an answer. In the end, Tanya forgave Edward, for there was nothing she could deny him. They parted on friendly terms and Edward felt that, surprisingly, his pride was still intact.


	48. Chapter 48

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Edward punched the couch, kicked the table and chugged a beer. He was unsettled, irritated, irascible. Fifteen sessions of therapy didn't provide the inner peace he was hoping for, there was only a gut wrenching feeling of despair and desolation. He hated the questions, didn't want to think about the answers. He just wanted to be sure, the way he used to be, before everything became muddled.

For some unfathomable reason the doctor decided to disregard Edward's express wish to not talk about his father. However, he dutifully defended Carlisle, stating that he respected and admired his farther. A single question followed, so simple and yet so complex: why? And then their meeting was over. He was left with a cold feeling of unforgiving emptiness, for he suddenly could no longer remember why Carlisle should be considered a paragon of honour and behaviour.

That night Edward didn't drink a second beer, neither did he waste any more time raging against the doctor. He grabbed his car keys and, before he could talk himself out of it, drove away from the city, towards the only person who could help him find the answers. It was time to learn the truth.


	49. Chapter 49

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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In her eyes, the determination to shed her armour of perfection, carefully crafted throughout a lifetime of pretending. In his eyes, the pain and confusion of a man whose beliefs were no longer unquestionable. Mother and son stared at each other, both trying to gather the courage to unleash the looming storm that not even the stillness of the room could disguise. Tightening her fingers on the arm rest, Esme squared her shoulders and braved the silence tormenting their hearts.

"It's a mask. The smiles, the affection... all a lie. Life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect. There is no such thing as a peak where you will have everything. It's pointless trying to get there, it's a sham. Edward, you have to understand that. You..."

Taking a deep breath, Esme reigned in her emotions, for they were misplaced. Thankfully, she had become proficient in the art of concealing her feelings. Therefore, she lowered her voice to soothing tones and adopted a neutral expression. Her son needed more than a jumbled speech, he needed facts and she wouldn't be able to make him understand if she allowed her inner demons to surface.

"Edward, I lied to you."

Raising her hand, Esme prevented Edward's imminent interruption. At his nod of acquiescence, she proceeded:

"I married your father out of love. Back then, he was gentle and attentive, a true knight in shining armour, especially for a girl who grew up without a father. But I fell in love with a dream. Up to this day, I don't know if he pretended to be a different man or if my needy self simply created an image out of thin air. Maybe, it was a little bit of both, I don't know. The important part is that a year into our marriage I had lost all my fantasies."

Sitting beside Edward, Esme took his hand between hers, blinking away the tears threatening to spill.

"Your father never hit me, that much is true. But, baby, violence can take many forms. He bullied me into giving up my job. He always found fault in my friends, saying nasty things about them. Sometimes, when they visited, Carlisle was downright rude to them. Soon, they stopped seeking my company and I didn't even notice because I was completely absorbed with your father. He systematically isolated me. He became the center of my world, my everything. I was okay with it, I thought we had something especial, indestructible. I was wrong, oh, so wrong."

No longer able to withhold her tears, she looked out the window, her eyes blind to the beautiful garden outside. They were fixed on the past, contemplating a girl who had been crushed under the weight of the truth.

"One day I was driving home from the supermarket. I remember it so clearly... His car on the roadside... Her legs up on the air... Their grunts... Silly girl that I was, I came home and cried for days, but didn't have the guts to confront him. Instead, I tried to be a better wife. Delicious meals, a spot clean house, enticing him to bed... I thought that if I could provide him everything he needed, he wouldn't turn to other women. For a while, I thought that everything was going to be okay. But a new neighbour put an end to my illusions. Beautiful, blond and busty; your father found his way into her bed. They didn't even close the drapes..."

Squeezing Edward's hand, Esme looked into his eyes, trying to convey how much a betrayal can bruise a woman's soul. She needed him to understand the devastation a man can cause to a woman's heart.

"That night I confronted him. I don't remember his exacts words, but they amounted to something along the lines that a man provides for his family, a woman takes care of the house and the kids; what a man does in his spare time must never be questioned. I won't repeat his next words, suffice to say that they were reminders of how dreary my prospects were, after all he considered me to be plain and uneducated... in his opinion, community college didn't count as education. That night, I left him. "

Esme got up and walked to the window. The hardest part was coming next. She didn't want to tell Edward, it would hurt him so much. But his perception had been distorted by her lies and only the truth could make him understand the extent of his misapprehensions.

"Living by myself was difficult, but I was happy until the day the queasiness started. I didn't have any insurance, so my only option was trusting that it would go away on its own. But one day I fainted and was taken to a hospital. I don't know how, but when I woke up, your father was there. I was pregnant with you. I wanted an abortion. Your father went ballistic. There were many arguments, but in the end, I couldn't kill my own child. So, I went back to the life I hated because I didn't want my baby to grow up without a father."

Looking at the son she had almost disposed of, Esme felt the old shame and self-loathing. Pushing aside the guilt that threatened to overwhelm her, Esme held Edward's gaze, fearlessly exposing her deepest secrets.

"I wanted you to be happy, loved and secure. So I learned to mask my emotions and pretend... Pretend that I loved your father, that I was happy, that he was a paragon... And you believed. I shielded you from the worst of Carlisle abusive personality, allowing you fantasy to flourish. After his harsh words or manipulative games, I used to take you into my arms and reason that it was all out of love, because he wanted you to grow up to be good man. By trying to create a perfect life for you, I fed your illusions, your admiration for him... "

Kneeling before Edward, Esme took his face between her hands and kissed his forehead. The gesture brought tears to Edward's eyes.

"Baby, don't be like him. He was never happy, you know. He doesn't know love. Don't be him, please, please... Just don't..."

Edward fell to his knees, covering Esme's hands with his own. He cried like a child, with his heart and soul, not for himself, but for the mother he had never bothered to see. Lowering his forehead to her shoulder, Edward hugged her fiercely, silently projecting all the love and the sorrow he felt for her.

"Mom, come with me. You are still young. Please, mom... Forgive me, I didn't know... Please, mom... Let me help... I promise I will change... I never knew... I don't know how... Please, mom..."

For a long time Esme rocked him like a baby, tenderly calming her distressed son. It was a motherly gesture, one that both had unknowingly missed. When his sobs stopped and his body was relaxed, she knew it was time to let him go.

"Edward, honey, look at me. I made my choices and I will stand by them. I know you don't understand, but my life is here, with him. You are the one who doesn't belong to this life. You have to go back and make things right. I want you to commit your whole being to the one you love. You deserve truth and beauty. Honey..."

"You too, mom. Please..."

"My life is here. Respect that. I don't need saving."

Getting up from the floor, Esme dried her tears and plastered a smile on her face. Bewildered, Edward followed her lead. He would have given her anything, but pretending that his world hadn't tilted in its axes was all she needed. So, he said something about being hungry, sending her the puppy look that always preceded a request for a homemade treat.

That afternoon, mother and son bonded over chocolate cookies. They didn't talk about the emotional conversation that had just taken place; instead they tacitly agreed to stick to safer subjects. Their goodbye was more affectionate than it used to be, but other than that no one would have guessed the magnitude of what they had shared.

Unbeknown to Edward, Esme had another reason for staying.

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**AN:** Esme's reason will be the object of an Outtake.


	50. Outtake Esme's Reason

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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The memories of his tears are vivid. He sat on the couch, clutching a piece of paper in his hand, raving against the unfairness of the world. I just stood there, watching Carlisle fall apart for the first time in his life. When he noticed my presence he threw the paper at my feet. Bewildered, I picked it up. It was his death sentence.

Carlisle's lack of interest in me was my saving grace. It had been years since we had shared a bed. I was aware of his extramarital affairs, but I didn't care. At that point, I was merely bidding my time. Well, karma caught up to my wayward husband, for he had been contaminated with the HIV virus.

Once again, I was struck by the irony of the situation. The first time I tried to leave him, a pregnancy brought me back. Nineteen years passed and my son left for college, at last. Two months later, I packed my things and patiently waited for my husband to come home. But I never got to ask him for a divorce. Instead, I was presented with a broken man.

I could pretend that I stayed out of love, solidarity, pity or even a misplaced sense of duty. But I won't. It was the unholy pleasure of watching him die that made me stay. Day by day, I saw him struggling to pay for the medication that his insurance didn't cover. I saw the despair enter his eyes when he realized how being sick affected his sexual life. The need to disclose the HIV status to any potential sexual partner shortened his prospects to almost zero. Besides, he was constantly sick or afraid of getting sick... Talk about a libido killer.

My part on the farce that followed was masterfully played. I "forgave" him, stayed by his side on the many occasions when he was hospitalized. I aided him in keeping the pretence that nothing had changed. Nobody knew about his "condition", not even our son. The proud Carlisle Cullen was reduced to a scared little man, completely dependent on his wife's willingness to keep the façade of normalcy.

As the illness progressed, his good days were fewer and even when he wasn't exactly sick, he no longer possessed the strength to take care of himself. That's when my fun began. Some days, when he was too sick to even move, I left the house and went shopping. He writhed in pain, calling my name, begging for something as trivial as a cup of water. Other times I just stood there, laughing at his agony.

It's perverse. It's satisfying. Humiliating him is my revenge, seeing his pride destroyed by how essential I'm to him. And he takes my abuse because he is afraid of dying alone. I see the hate in his eyes, but he begs me to stay. I make him grovel... he kisses my feet and I slap his face; he asks for affection and I spit on his face.

No, I'm not a good person, but neither is he.

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**AN1:** A person can be civilly sued for failing to disclose HIV status to a sexual partner. In USA, some states criminalize the exposure to HIV virus, even in the absence of actual transmission.

**AN2: **What do you think about Esme? I'm dying to read your opinion.


	51. Chapter 51

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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In some dark corner of his mind, Edward had always known. And that's what hurt the most, the knowledge that had he taken the time to do a little soul searching, he would have uncovered the truths his mother had spelled out to him. By deliberately blinding himself to reality, Edward had built his life on inconsistent beliefs, moulding his expectations to inexistent role models.

Edward felt lost and unsure, for his every identity and dreams hadn't survived Esme's revelations. Deprived of his illusions, Edward no longer knew what he wanted from life. His only certainty was the need to distance himself from the man he had become. The magic formula to happiness, the one he had dutifully followed, was nothing more than a lie. He needed guidance because he truly couldn't fathom how to make a woman happy. How to make the woman he loved happy. How to make Bella happy.

Just like that the veil that fogged his mind was lifted. It was about her, everything was about her... the rage... the drinking... Tanya... the capitulation to therapy... the urge to listen to Esme... It was all a reaction to losing her.

Edward didn't have answers, only questions. He had nothing to teach, only to learn. He had much to atone for, but no notion of how to go about it. Tainted as it was, he had only his love to offer. It was time to earn her love or lose her for good.

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**AN:** Don't get too mad... Next, Edward and Bella talk. I promise! Thank you for reading.


	52. Chapter 52

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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It was nerve-wrecking, the vulnerability brought by complete sincerity. An entire existence depending upon choosing the right words to convey his sorrow, his willingness to change, to learn. For hours, Edward tried to rehearse the sentences, selecting the perfect tone of voice to emphasize the underlying emotions simmering in his heart. Eventually, he accepted that it was an exercise in futility, for he wasn't a well spoken man; besides honesty couldn't be achieved by using logic, only the unrestrained baring of his soul would do.

Trembling like never before, he knocked on Bella's door. So many emotions swirled on her beautiful face, but Edward was only able to name two of them: surprise and animosity. The surprise he could understand, after all it had been a long time since their break-up. Unfortunately, the animosity wasn't exactly a surprise either. Given the way he had treated Bella, it would have been unnatural for her to behave any other way.

However, Bella was a polite woman. Begrudgingly, she granted him entrance, inviting him to sit. Expectation and a hint of impatience glinted on her eyes, but she simply sat there, waiting. And Edward, who had looked forward to the encounter like a starved man anticipates a plate of food, was tongue-tied. His heart was trying to beat out of his chest. His skin was covered in sweat. _"I love you. Don't reject me"_, he thought.

"Bella, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"

Noticing her bewildered expression, he realized that all the fancy explanations had fled his brain. He had only the chocked words of an agonized man to offer her. His breathing was raged; he couldn't stand the scrutiny of her eyes. He got up from the sofa and started pacing around the cramped living room. For the first time, he noticed the boxes littering the floor. Apparently, Bella was moving, but she owned the apartment. Why would she move away? Pushing aside the question, he tried to concentrate on the more urgent matter: making her understand.

"I was my father's son. Shit, I'm still my father's son. But now I understand. After Esme told me about her life, I can see I was wrong. It wasn't happiness... Bella, I don't know how to explain."

Frustrated, Edward tugged at his hair, helplessly trying to grasp the words spinning in his mind. He was frantic, lost, until he felt gentle fingers on his shoulder. Turning around, Edward looked into her beautiful eyes and there he found the will to still his mind.

"My father was my role model. My mother seemed happy enough with the life she had. So, I believed that if I followed his example, I could have a good life with a good woman. It was pathetically silly of me, but it is true. It took loosing you and descending into hell, but eventually, thanks to Esme, I got the balls to face the truth."

His voice was broken, but his speech was coherent. Overcome by emotion, he touched her cheek with the back of his fingers. There were tears in his eyes, but that didn't diminish the shining intensity of his raw feelings. Holding Bella's gaze, Edward forced himself to continue.

"I don't know how to be a good man. I love but I don't know how to show it. I'm dense; it will take time for me to learn. But I want to, so much. Bella, teach me. Please..."

She tried to look away but he wouldn't let her. Tears were running down her face, so much misery marred her fair complexion. But Edward refused to retreat, he had gone too far, risked too much.

"I know I hurt you, made you feel unworthy, unloved. I can't erase the past, but I can promise you a better future. All I have to offer is my sorrow for the past, my love and my hopes for the future. It's not much, but it's all that I am. Take me, Bella. Help me. Love me... as I love you."

Lowering his face, his lips touched hers. It was a gentle kiss, slow and sweet. It wasn't domineering or demanding, it simply was a whisper of feeling made into an expression of love. Lost in each other, Edward smiled at the future, for he could taste the happiness waiting for them. Overcome by the perfection of the moment, Edward pulled her body towards his. At the contact of her soft curves, a moan of approval rose from his throat. She had so many misgivings about her appearance, but now Edward would have a lifetime to rectify her perception.

His hand cupped the luscious curve of her ass, pushing her closer to his eager hardness. But then he felt her hands flat against his chest, pushing him away. Complying with her request, he allowed her to take a step back. He was confused by the change in her demeanour, for she certainly had been kissing him back. Patiently waiting for her explanation, Edward noticed something when she dried her tears. There was a ring on her finger.

Understand downed on him like a bucket of ice. The ring, the boxes, the melancholy on her eyes... The old instinct to hide behind a mocking façade was strong, but he didn't want to be a jerk anymore. He didn't want to keep his pride, he simply wanted to be with the woman he loved. Desperation took hold of him. Gripping her arms, Edward made one last attempt at getting through to her heart.

"Bella, I'm imperfect. Shit, I'm not even a good man. But you loved me once, you can learn to love me again. I'll do my best, I swear... Choose me and I will do everything within my power to make sure you never regret your choice, Please, baby..."

She raised her hand, halting his speech. There was sorrow in her eyes, but also determination.

"Edward... Your words were perfect, but they came too late. There is no point in dissecting the past, so I'll just say what's pertinent to the present. Some part of me will always love you, but I have moved on. I found a man, fell in love and I will marry him, in a few days. I'm happy and I want you to find happiness too. I'm so glad you realized what you did wrong... You are going to do so much better next time... You have so much to give, now that you are opened to it. I'm truly sorry that I won't be around to see, but it is what it is."

Smiling sadly, he hugged Bella and said goodbye. Edward knew that he would never love someone the way he loved Bella, but she had made her choice. He found solace in the knowledge that he had been brave enough to bare his soul and that was a victory, especially to a man who had never acknowledged his own feelings. Edward felt sorrow for the future that would never come to pass, but determined to be a better man and then, maybe, one day down the line, destiny would work its magic. The time to fear was over. Now, it was time to hope.

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**AN:** Yesterday, my internet connection decided to take a vacation. So, today you get two updates. Sorry for leaving you hanging. Forgive me?


	53. Chapter 53

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN: **This story was recommended on Twi/VD ficrecs. Thank you guys!

Visit the site for great recs: twivdficrecs . wordpress . com

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Packing his belongings, Edward looked around the precinct. The job he had once cherished, no longer meant anything to him. It simply was another aspect of Carlisle's influence in his life choices. In his heart, Edward had always felt the need to brighten the life of those less fortunate. But he realized that being in the police wasn't what his heart desired.

He said his goodbyes and walked away feeling lighter. His new job was much more to his taste and frankly, more in tune with his education. Surely, being a social worker wasn't a walk in the park. He was going to be privy to the world's unfairness, but he also was going to have the chance to truly make a difference.

More changes loomed on the horizon, for his new job didn't pay as well as his former one did. So, he would need to move to a new place, one he could afford. But he didn't care. Too many memories haunted the place and he felt the need to start anew. Besides, he longed for the day when he would be spared from the reproachful glares of his neighbours.

Edward still couldn't bring himself to date, for he wasn't emotionally available and it would have been unfair to lead a woman on.


	54. Chapter 54

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"_A wise woman once told me that violence can take many forms"_. The beginning of Edward's lecture was met by sceptical looks but, as he progressed, the spectators' level of interest increased. The community center he was visiting that night was located in an unsavoury part of town, the part that need attention the most. Very few people braved the inhabitants' hostility, but Edward was one of them.

Speaking in public had always been a trial for a man to whom words didn't come easily. But he had worked hard and, eventually, he had conquered his limitations. By the end of the speech, several people approached him. Amongst the crowd, he noticed a very familiar face. He couldn't fathom why she was there; the last he had seen her, she had a steady job and a nice place to live.

She looked different. She had given up the excessive make up and the distasteful clothes. Surely, she looked a bit worn out, but also prettier. That thought made Edward feel slightly unfaithful. "Unfaithful to whom?" He asked himself. Bella was long gone, married to _Jasper Whitlock_. The wedding photos had been all over the newspapers; apparently _he_ was a prominent lawyer. Steering his mind away from the bitter memories, he smiled at Tanya and invited her to a cup of coffee.


	55. Chapter 55

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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The faded appearance of the once vibrant Tanya confirmed her revelation. Edward was shocked by the details of her story. The loss of her job, her apartment, her self-respect. The hopelessness of having an incurable decease. The impossibility of getting proper medical care without insurance. The loneliness of having to face her final days without the support of friends or family.

Irrationally, Edward blamed himself. Maybe if he hadn't been such a troglodyte she wouldn't have to be alone, after all. Or, even better, she wouldn't be sick if she had been spared from the emotional stress he had caused. Tears burned in his eyes. Chocking with apologies, Edward looked into her eyes.

She was sad, but resigned. There was no hatred or recrimination either, just overwhelming tenderness and longing. Edward's heart constricted painfully, for he realized that Tanya still cared for him. Her love had been severely abused by his selfishness, but it still refused to die. How could he have been so blind? No, she wasn't his heart's desire. Nevertheless, she was still a good woman, one who deserved better from life.

Tenderly, Edward hugged her to his chest, running his fingers through Tanya's thinning hair. Within his embrace, she let go of her courageous façade and wept. Edward couldn't save Tanya from the cancer ravaging her liver, but he could make sure that she was cared for.


	56. Chapter 56

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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It was a necessary step, but Tanya had fought him at every turn. Eventually, she bowed down to reason and accepted his proposal, for it was the only way to extend his insurance coverage to her. She would be able to get whatever medication she needed and it would also provide homecare treatment when the time came. From Edward's point of view it was a practical arrangement between friends.

However, the fleeting spark of wistfulness in Tanya's eyes was enough to alert Edward to the true nature of her feelings. Touched and unsettled, Edward walked a fine line between letting her know how much he cared and trying not to feed her hope for more. He didn't want to deceive her, but he also didn't want her to see herself as a burden. Edward loved her in a way; he just wasn't in love with her.

And because he was determined to make her happy, he arranged for a beautiful wedding on a charming chapel. She walked down the aisle smiling serenely while a feel tears escaped her eyes. Edward wasn't oblivious to the fact that every woman dreams about her wedding day, so he went out of his way to make her feel cherished.

The kiss that sealed their bond had the onlookers sighing longingly, except for the woman hiding on the shadows, crying silently.


	57. Chapter 57

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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The wedding night was a subject that both of them had systematically avoided. At first, Edward had planned to surprise her with a chick flick marathon and a junk food contest. It would be a friendly way to show her how much he cared, for no man in his right mind would enjoy that sort of entertainment.

However, things had changed. Seeing the love in her eyes, some part of his heart had responded in kind. Tanya would never get another wedding night and he wanted to do whatever was within his power to make her dreams come true. Thus, he reserved the honeymoon suite in the best hotel he could afford.

Carrying Tanya through the threshold, he sat her on the couch and turned on the music. They drank champaign and ate strawberries. Like old friends, they talked and laughed, until the hour grew late. Then, the unspoken question about sleeping arrangements made Tanya unease and fidgety. Taking a deep breath Edward invited Tanya to dance. A brilliant smile illuminated her face, for she understood that their marriage was going to be more than a practical arrangement.

That night Edward erased from Tanya's memory the violence of their last sexual encounter. For the first time in his life he made love to a woman, even if she wasn't the one he saw in his mind's eye.


	58. Outtake In her eyes

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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Coincidences. How to explain the inexorable aligning of events leading a person towards a moment not meant for his/her eyes? The answer could be as simplistic as believing in chaos as the driving force behind every human experience, or as complex as crediting such encounters to an intricate web of unexplainable logic, woven by the unforgiving harpies of fate. Either way, _the unavoidable_ touches our lives steering the paths we choose to take, because no belief is left unquestioned when confronted with the hurtful musings of futures that might have come to pass, but are no longer possible.

After those brushes with _the inevitable_, the human mind is overcome by questions, doubts; the human heart is left bruised and aching, longing for impossible possibilities. Rejecting the truth of our soul can fracture our being, turning a once perfect creature into compartmentalized shreds of our former self. Then we call ourselves rational, healthy, well-adjusted. Conforming to a mould created by ideas which happen to deny the very core of human nature lead to heartbreak and loss, for only the unseen can perceive the essence hiding beneath the cool façade of aloof indifference.

Deaf to the whispers of my heart and blind to the yearnings of my soul, I made a rational choice between two men. I chose the security of mild feelings instead of braving the great unknown. And I was happy in my ignorance, shielded by an armour of a satisfying existence until I was confronted by the unexpected sight of the one who was left behind. The man I had dreamt to marry was pledging himself to another woman. I felt betrayed, saddened, angry, heartbroken. But what gave me the right to feel the overwhelming grief that took hold of my heart, when I had been the one who first chose another?

Jasper was a good husband, a loyal friend, an outstanding father. Ours wasn't a union based on fleeting emotions of passionate lust, but a coming together of two beings who enjoyed each other's body and mind. It was so easy and comfortable that it was hard to notice anything missing. I certainly hadn't, not until I saw Edward again...

Once upon a time I thought I had settled for Edward because I couldn't get anyone better. One day, I got the courage to leave him. I went back for the wrong reasons and predictably walked away for a second time. The man I left wasn't a man worth staying for, so I suppressed the urgings of my heart and bravely embraced my choice, setting my sight on the future.

The future came in the form of Jasper Whitlock, senior partner in the law firm where I worked. A puzzling man, he wore a ring on his finger, but no wife ever accompanied him to office functions. Jasper was friendly to everyone, but friends with no one. He was a mystery I would only unveil when a complicated embezzlement case brought us together. Over Chinese takeout, he started to open his heart to me. Jasper was a widower raising a daughter on his own. He missed his late wife, Alice, sorely, and blamed himself for being oblivious to the post-partum depression that had culminated on her suicide. We formed a tentative bond that was strengthened by the immediate affection I felt for Maria, his eight year old daughter. One day, Jasper asked me out. The ring was no longer on his finger.

Maybe the relationship wouldn't have led to marriage had it not been for Maria's illness. She was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Jasper was devastated and so was I. By then I already loved Maria with all my heart, for that reason I jumped at the opportunity to make her fondest dream come true: she wanted to have a family, with a mommy and daddy to take care of her. Jasper was a bit reluctant; his sense of honour wouldn't allow him to propose to me under those circumstances. So, I proposed. I was fond of Jasper and loved Maria. Besides, he was the exact opposite of Edward: considerate, loving, opened, faithful.

Not even Edward's reappearance was able to shake my conviction that I was making the right choice. I believed the sincerity of his words, but I didn't trust his ability to fulfill his promises. Though a part of me wanted to surrender to his appeal, I decided with the other part, the one that belonged to Maria and wanted the safety of Jasper's arms. I didn't doubt the path I chose. Despite Maria's decease, our life was good, full of laughter and love.

However, I was doomed to question the validity of the reasons which compelled me to refuse Edward. A lawsuit brought me to a church where I was supposed to have a meeting with my client, the priest. On a previous occasion, he had commented on a wedding he would be performing. He sang high praises to the groom, a man who chose to marry the woman he loved, even though she had very little time to live. Something about his story tugged at my heart, therefore I decided to arrive at the church a little bit early, just to get glimpse of the couple that shared such a bittersweet tale.

Now, here I stand in awe of the man Edward became. He has real warmth in his eyes. He has no qualms about showing affection to his weeping mother. He measures his steps to his ill bride's tiny ones. He smiles and there are tears in his eyes. Who was this man? How did Edward become this man? Would he have become this man if I had taken him back? Or was this beautiful man the product of _her_ love? Did he change for _her_? Did he change because of _her_? Would he have changed for me? Should I have taken him back despite my love for Maria? Above all, how could I have ever believed that I was over Edward? I couldn't allow myself to love the man that he was, it would have destroyed me. But this new man... I ached for him. But he was no longer mine, as I was no longer his.

Choices. The beauty and the curse of the human condition is not being able to foresee the outcome of decisions we have to make. We just do the best we can with the little we know. And, maybe, somewhere down the line, the harpies of fate will turn into angels of mercy, righting the wrongs of misguided humans, gifting us with a new chance at a fairy tale ending.


	59. Chapter 59

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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For a little while, the bleakness of the situation was pushed away. The newlyweds settled on their roles, deciding to feign normalcy, enjoying the routine that soon would be disrupted. Sensing the unsettling approach of her demise, Tanya desperately tried to squeeze an entire existence within the short time she had left. Her only dream had come true the day Edward proposed. The irony of life deeply wounded Tanya, for she got to be a bride but had very little time to be a wife.

Determined to be the best wife a man could ever wish for, she became the exact type of woman Edward had once deemed desirable. She cooked, cleaned, doted on her husband and even suggested that she wouldn't mind if he felt the need to seek the company of other women. Tanya basked in the glory of homemaking; her only regret was the impossibility of baring children of her own. But life gave her all that she needed and more than she deserved, so she never complained or allowed herself to mourn for the future she no longer had.

When confronted with the reality of a submissive wife, Edward was disgusted with the man he used to be. A life partner should be more than a willingly body and a glorified housekeeper. He was chagrined by the realization that in some recess of his mind he had rebelled against the idea of a doormat wife, for he had fallen in love with Bella despite the fact that, not even on her darkest hour, she would have abided by his chauvinistic notions of what a marriage should be. Tanya was an unwelcome reminder of a man he wanted to leave behind; their life a far cry of what he now longed to share with the woman he loved. Though he knew that faulting Tanya for her behaviour was unfair, he couldn't shake the thought that Bella should have been the one wearing his ring on her finger.

And he loathed himself for daring to judge a woman as brave as Tanya.

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**AN: **Sorry for the delay, but my Internet is lazy these days.

Dear Guest reviewer, try to see Tanya as a necessary step towards building a healthy relationship with the woman Edward truly loves.

My dear readers, I love you all. Thank you so much for reading.


	60. Chapter 60

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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Cradling Tanya's cold hands between his warmer ones, Edward mourned the ugliness of an illness that robbed her of any dignity. No longer able to attend to her own basic needs, Tanya relied entirely on others to feed her, clean her, entertain her. Imagining the despair she must have felt when first learning about her disease, Edward's admiration for her grew tenfold, for he doubted he would ever have the fortitude to face such a hopeless situation without losing his mind. He tried to make her life a bit more comfortable by buying flowers and bringing pictures to the cold, impersonal hospital room she currently inhabited. But he feared that it was a useless effort; nothing could take away the chilly edge of a place where she would undergo the painful process of dying.

Home care had been their first option but, due to respiratory complications, it was no longer a possibility. Therefore, he endured the futility of hospital regulations which imposed the invasive hourly ritual of having a nurse enter the room to check Tanya's vitals. That infuriated him, because it was merely a formality: there was nothing they could do for Tanya, merely sit and wait for her agony to come to an end. Despite her valiant efforts at concealing the worst of her pain, Edward could see the tears brimming in her eyes. It tore at his heart, the sight of her trying to protect him when she should have be the one to make her life easier.

The sound of the door opening, drew Edward out of his musings. Instead of a nurse, there stood Esme who had been kind enough to uproot her life and help out by staying with Tanya whenever he couldn't, due to work or weariness. His loving mother treated his ailing wife with all the love reserved only for a daughter. It warmed his heart, witnessing how well Esme had taken to Tanya. Seeing the dark circles under her son's eyes, Esme sent him away, saying that he needed to stretch his legs and get something to eat. He tried to protest Esme's orders, but the loud rumbling of his stomach settled the dispute.

Walking into the cafeteria, he eyed the meagre selection of food available. None seemed appetizing, but in the end he settled for a sandwich and orange juice. Edward was devouring it when _she_ materialized right in front of him and the world came to a halt.


	61. Chapter 61

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The former lovers engaged in a stilted conversation. Try as they might, they didn't feel the easiness of familiarity, just the wariness of two people trying to hide their immediate pain. However, the safety of banalities didn't last long, for both recognized the overwhelming fatigue which accompanies the prolonged illness of a loved one. Besides, Bella disclosed that, due to an inexplicable twist of fate, she had been present at Edward and Tanya's wedding and she knew about his wife's infirmity.

Edward was deeply unsettled by Bella's revelations, especially after noticing the sadness that shone in her eyes. _What does it mean? _He wondered. But his musings were cut short by the startling revelation that followed: Bella's step-daughter was also dying. He could only imagine the searing pain cutting through Bella's compassionate heart. Offering her his hand, he invited her to take a walk with him, for they needed the privacy to express their grief.

It shouldn't even have entered his mind, nonetheless the thought was there. The ache to take her hand, the eagerness to hold her in his arms, the burning desire to make her his, were swirling inside his heart, torturing his soul with the many scenarios painted by his vivid mind. They sat on a bench and cried on each other's shoulders, allowing themselves to feel all the pain they had kept in check for the benefit of others. And right there, in a moment born out of the hollow sorrow of fighting fate, they shared a moment of startling sweetness.

Their lips touched and their bodies entwined. Edward released a sigh of contentment, for he finally felt at peace, for Bella's arms were the place where he belonged. For just a second, he forgot about his wife and Bella's husband, about anything beyond the happiness of their embrace. But reality had a cruel way of intruding, especially when he was being offered something he craved, for there was no mistaking Bella's invitation to further their intimacy. He could have indulged, but he chose to break their kiss. Surprise turned to anger when Bella realised that he wouldn't relent.

"Why Edward? Why deny ourselves the pleasure? Life is short, you know. Right now, I could be dying... You could be dying... Why deny ourselves the comfort?"

Edward looked away from the love of his life. He took a moment to carefully compose his answer because what he wanted to say was too important. He had to make her understand that it wasn't time, not yet.

"Bella, I love you too much to accept your offer."

Huffing, she tried to walk away, but he didn't let her. She had to listen and accept.

"No, damn it. Listen, please, just listen."

She tried not to show the deep hurt that he knew was underneath her stony façade. For all that she had changed, Bella still didn't understand how much he had changed.

"Bella, I did so many bad things. I lied to you, I cheated on you. It took losing you to make me grow. I want you, I love you, but I can't do to my wife what I did to you. I'm no longer _that_ man. When I come to you, and make no mistake, I will come for you, I want to be with a clear conscience and a clean heart. Please, understand I don't want to cheapen us by entering a sordid affair. We deserve better."

Hugging herself, Bella cried. Not because she felt reject or disheartened by Edward's response, just the opposite. He had become a good man, a better person than she was at the moment. She was so maddened by grief for losing the man she loved and watching her daughter die that she had attempted to seduce him. She had almost betrayed Jasper, her faithful, loving husband. Self-recrimination ate at her, but she refused to part on such a bitter note. Swallowing her pride, she touched Edward's face and whispered the words that would give him comfort for the many lonely nights that would precede their reunion:

"I love you. When the time is right, I will be waiting."

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**AN: **Deepti – thank you for your review. Answering your question: I believe that marrying other people was part of Edward and Bella's learning curve. Despite all of their changes, they needed to grow before they could be together again. Remember that this story is a HEA, they will find their way back to each other... eventually.

Thanks to all of my readers, you make my day brighter.


	62. Chapter 62

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"If I were a better person, I would let you go." The long sigh that accompanied the puzzling statement, had Edward's heart sinking while his mind reeled with the infinite possibilities behind Tanya's words. The sadness in her eyes was unmistakable; it was the same sort of wounded resignation Esme had worn so many times. Had she guessed his encounter with Bella? How? Should he tell her about it? No, that would only bring her unnecessary pain.

"What do you mean, honey?" Deciding to play at ignorance, he caressed her face and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "You are simply the best. Besides, I'm not going anywhere, even if you order it."

A tear ran down her face. Shaking her head, Tanya looked away from his face.

"Sometimes, when you are sleeping you say her name. A time or two, when we were making love, you called me Bella. I'm not a complete moron, I know you aren't in love with me. It's her, it has always been her. I am just too damn selfish, I simply can't give you up. I love you too much, I need you too much. But I'm sorry for trapping you, so, so, sorry... I wish I was better. I wish..."

Chocking on her own tears, Tanya's breathing was laboured, due to the strenuous effort of maintaining such a long conversation. Enfolding her into his embrace, Edward soothed his wife by softly reassuring Tanya of his devotion. He felt ashamed of his carelessness, for she shouldn't see herself as a burden. She was his wife, to love and to cherish... And he had failed, by unconsciously letting her know about his feelings for another woman.

"I don't want to lie to you, sweetheart. But you have to understand that I love you too. I'm honoured to be your husband. I didn't force me into this marriage, I chose to be with you."

Edward kissed her with all the gentleness he could muster. He laid on the bed holding her body against his own. Safely ensconced in Edward's warmth, Tanya went to sleep. His cherished face was the last she saw of this world before departing towards the unknown.

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**AN: **Thank you to ReluctantRomantic for recommending this story on Facebook.

Thank you to labellaleigh for recommending this story. Be sure to check out "The Story of Us" (she is a talented writer, you won't regret it):

s/7110952/1/

Thank you to everyone recommending this story, please let me know so I can properly express my appreciation.

Kisses to all of my readers.


	63. Chapter 63

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN: This chapter deals with the death of a child. Read at your own discretion.**

**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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_"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet." - Aristotle._

Sometimes it was too much, watching an innocent child being tortured in the name of an impossible cure. The acerbic smell of disease masqueraded Maria's natural baby scent, just like the cancer eating her insides destroyed the wide-eyed innocence of childhood. A ten year-old girl shouldn't look so ravaged and resigned, so ready to accept the unacceptable. Bella's heart simply couldn't take it anymore, she needed a respite.

She walked aimlessly, trying not to spill the tears burning in her eyes. It wasn't supposed to end that way, Maria was supposed to overcome the illness, get better, grow up, have a life. What happened to the 90% survival rate? The numbers had given her a false hope – they had lied. Jasper put on a brave face in front of Maria, just like Bella did, but in private he howled the agony of being forced to watch his baby girl's suffering. Bella swallowed her emotions and became Jasper's fortitude.

It was all too much and she simply broke down. In meeting with Edward, she betrayed the very core of her soul by trying to hold on to a dream that had long been abandoned. She was so desperate for light that she ignored the clamours of her conscience and the protests of the fraction of her heart that belonged to Jasper. Her actions had been beyond the pale; self-recrimination was a light way to describe the aftermath of the encounter. Worst of all, she couldn't even confess her crime. She would not allow herself to assuage her conscience by causing pain to the man she had come to love and admire.

Maybe, somewhere down the line, she would be reunited with the love of her life. It was a beautiful dream, one that she suspected would never come to pass, for life had moved on. Bella couldn't walk away from Jasper, any more than Edward could abandon Tanya. Jasper and Maria were the family she chose and she wasn't going to fail them.


	64. Chapter 64

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**AN: This chapter deals with the death of a child. Read at your own discretion.**

**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

"Mom, am I going to die?"

Searing pain followed the surprisingly perceptive and straightforward question, leaving Bella gasping for air, fighting to subdue the unholy urge to fall to the ground and cry to the heavens in rebuke for the unfairness of losing a child. But it would have been selfish to succumb to her own despair when Maria stared at her, waiting for an answer that Bella couldn't possibly offer. There was no comfort in truth and no salvation in lies, no right answers, just the certainty of death.

"It's okay, mom. Alice will be waiting, right?" Sometimes, the spoken language lacks the words to convey the intensity of one's emotions. In those moments, only the physical closeness of a fierce embrace is able to convey all the emotions twisting a heart that feels too much. That's why Jasper walked into the room to find Maria cocooned in her stepmother's arms. Moved by the scene, he held them close, praying for the power to spare them from the pain of separation.

Later that day, the gnarled hand of fate took Maria away from her parents. Death didn't come easily or cleanly, it tortured her little body that valiantly fought until the last second. Her parents were out of their minds with grief, but clung to the consolation that at least her ordeal was over.

On the other side of life, a mother anxiously awaited for her beloved daughter.


	65. Chapter 65

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

Like a ghost seeking a vestige of his former self, Jasper haunted the empty corridors of a house that now felt soulless. No longer a home, the building was a prison of memories that threatened to destroy his sanity. The goading voices of demons past and present, mocked his inability to protect the ones he held dear. Guilt clawed at his conscience, for the duplicitous mind played with the despair of a man's impotence before the indomitable power of the inevitable. Deemed an obdurate sinner by his own unforgiving heart, only the unrelenting dread of evils yet to befall his wife forced him to stay in the realm of the living.

The unquenchable need to defeat an ethereal entity existing beyond his grasp, drove his every action, dictated his every step. For Bella's sake, he had to stay on his guard, predict every variable and taking preventive measures to neutralize any consequences. Everything else became secondary to the divine mission of preventing Bella from being snatched away. He couldn't afford another loss, couldn't abide by the wishes of a fate that saw fit to deprive him of his first wife and his daughter.


	66. Chapter 66

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

The definition of hell wasn't burning in the oppressive flames of eternal damnation. It was the cold numbness that descended after being confronted with the futility of fighting a lost battle. Whereas Jasper felt all the pain of loss, Bella felt disconnected – a dispassionate observer of the succession of meaningless events which amounted to life, or something resembling it. Too numb to live and too passive to die, Bella allowed mindlessness free reign. Hence, her methodical routine especially designed to conceal the apathy simmering beneath her show of bravery.

She went to work, cleaned the house, and laughed at her colleague's jokes, efficiently deceiving her unsuspecting audience. Inside, there wasn't conscience guiding her behaviour, just mechanical responses designed to offer appropriate reactions to external stimuli. Only the sight of her barely coherent husband was able to melt the wall of ice trapping Bella's emotions. Jasper was flirting with madness, slowly fading away. Compelled to reach out to him, Bella realized that she couldn't continue to suppress her grief, for she wouldn't be able to save Jasper unless she found a way to help herself. Surrendering to misery, she sat by her daughter's grave and cried for hours. She railed against God and cursed the helplessness of humanity. But slowly, amongst the devastating memories of Maria's suffering, images of better, healthier times arose.

And it was the memory of Maria's love that lent Bella the will to pick herself up from the ground. Jasper needed her. But, even more importantly, she needed herself.


	67. Chapter 67

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

A soft lullaby of enthralling tenderness guided Bella to her stepdaughter's bedroom. Singing to an absent child, her husband adoringly gazed at an empty bed. Dropping a good night kiss on thin air, Jasper turned to his wife. Smiling softly, he greeted Bella affectionately. It was a sad imitation of a sweet routine that belonged to a different life. Stricken by the scene, Bella could only stare at the retreating form of her broken husband.

Deciding to play along, she talked cheerfully about unimportant things, carefully avoiding any mention of Maria. She cooked Jasper's favourite dish and opened a bottle of excellent wine. Feeding him morsels of the scrumptious meal, she showered kisses on his dear face. Dinner was a lovely affair followed by Jasper's favourite pastime. For hours they played a video game, pretending to be music stars.

That night, Bella accepted Jasper into her body, holding him close, trying to convey the depth of her love for him. A satisfied man, Jasper fell asleep with the affect of a man who believed that life was perfect. However, Bella knew better. She keep her eyes opened, savouring the warmth of her beloved husband for what could be the last time.

As night turned into day, Bella knew that she couldn't postpone the inevitable anymore.


	68. Chapter 68

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

They came unannounced and his wife welcomed them with a sad little smile. The next thing Jasper knew, two pairs of brawny arms closed around him. He resisted their tight grip, cursing and yelling, trying to break free from his captors. Despair drove his actions, for deep in his soul lay the conviction that, should the men succeed in their efforts, something irreplaceable would be lost.

Swallowing his pride, Jasper begged for Bella's mercy, but not even his sobbed pleas were able to sway her. Notwithstanding her adamant refusal to facilitate his escape, Jasper didn't think her actions stemmed from cold calculation or malicious intent. Had she been a heartless woman, no tears would have streamed down her face, but they were there, the irrefutable proof that she cared about his fate.

Jasper's fractured mind reeled with the effort to comprehend the reasoning behind his wife's bewildering behaviour. Gazing into her eyes, he saw no answers, only unjustified agony. Unsettled, he viciously fought against the men's hold, managing to break free, at last. Jasper was almost out the door when a sharp pain on his neck made him turn around. But his vision was blurred and his mind was confused. He looked about the room, desperately seeking some explanation to his plight. There were no explanations to be found, but he was comforted by the sight of Maria's smiling face.

In that moment, Jasper knew that he would never see his daughter again.


	69. Chapter 69

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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It was heartbreaking, the look of betrayal in Jasper's eyes. For just a second, Bella questioned the wisdom of her choice. However, she had consulted two doctors and both had given the same advice – Jasper should be committed to a mental facility. The doctors had sustained that the familiarity of Jasper's surroundings were feeding his hallucinations, therefore his chance at a full recovery would be improved by removing him from the house. Though she had made an informed decision, Bella couldn't help but feel that sending Jasper away was a coward manoeuvre, for it would exempt her from all responsibility over his sanity.

Seeing him drugged and limp, reinforced the guilt threatening to overwhelm her. Lost in her own grief, she had failed to realize the extent of Jasper's pain. She had been selfish with her feelings, refusing to share them, even with the one person who could truly sympathise. But guilt was a useless feeling; she quickly steered her mind towards more practical issues. Clothes and toys should never be left to rotten in drawers and chests. There were always children in need who could put them to good use. She was sure that once Jasper returned to normal, he would agree with her.

So, she carefully packed her daughter's belongings, praying for light to guide her away from the nightmare life had become.


	70. Chapter 70

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

The third time Bella visited, she was finally granted admittance to the clinic. Sitting by the table, an impassive Jasper watched his wife's wary progress as she walked toward him. Bracing herself for an unpleasant conversation, Bella was unprepared for her husband's cold demeanour. Instead of angry words, she was treated to a litany of polite inquiries concerning her welfare and the state of his affairs. Taken aback, she answered his questions to the best of her ability, throwing a smile in for good measure.

Not even the sight of the smile he used to adore was enough to force Jasper out of his stupor. He was simply a compartmentalized creature, unable to exist unless his feelings were stored far away from the conscious mind. The cure for which Bella had been praying seemed distant, perhaps even impossible, for how could the doctors help a man who obviously didn't want to get better? Maybe she should have played the role of the dutiful wife, allowing Jasper to come to his senses in his own time, but she was tired of being the only one fighting for his soul. Looking into his eyes, she took his reluctant hand between her own and told him the truths of her heart.


	71. Chapter 71

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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"Time is no measure for love. I loved her too, you know. So much that I feel trapped, enraged, desperate for the impossible...because, just like you, I want her back. The thought of an existence without her is unbearable, unfair, unthinkable. Carrying on living seems like a betrayal of her memory and the love I feel for her."

"At first I built a prison of grief and lived there as a tribute to Maria's memory. But, thanks to some divine intervention, I realized that you needed me and I needed you. You were lost in an imaginary world where I, unfortunately, couldn't reach you. Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but I had to get you help."

"No, don't look away. I have to say this. I was selfish, I didn't pay attention to the several cuts on your skin, not until the day before you were committed. I watched while you re-enacted saying the familiar scene of saying goodnight to Maria. Then, I was horrified to witness you clawing at your own skin, punishing your flesh with your emotional pain. Deep inside my heart, I knew it was only a matter of time before you tried...oh, God. I can't say it. "

"I love you. Please, please, come back to me..."

Closing her eyes, she shed a single tear for the cruelty of a fate that snatched away the light of their lives. Disheartened by Jasper's unresponsiveness, Bella started to move away, when she was suddenly enveloped in a fierce embrace. Together, they cried for long moments, sharing their pain like they had refrained from doing up until that point. And Jasper made a promise, one that he intended to keep.

"I will get better, baby. Just don't give up on me."


	72. Chapter 72

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

Standing before the unassuming building, Bella tried to calm her racing heart. She didn't relish the notion of sharing something as intimate as grief with strangers. The support group was a suggestion of a friend who believed that Bella could benefit from talking with the families of other cancer victims. Rationally, she wanted to go into the building to help and be helped. However, there was a part of her that wanted to remain in darkness, for that would be the only way to atone for the deadly sin of outliving her own daughter.

Steeling herself, Bella decided to suppress the need to succumb – if Jasper could fight, so could she. She was pleasantly surprised by the participants' warm welcome and soon she was engrossed in their heartbreaking tales of loss. There was the mother whose son suffered for years, the sister who had cared for her ungrateful brother, the man who had been forbidden from visiting his lover by a narrow-minded family. Bella was awed by their resilience and ashamed of her own weakness.

When was her time to speak, she chose to focus on the good memories. She told them about Maria's obsession with iCarly and the colour pink, about her plans to get a dog as soon as she got out of the hospital. Pushing through the tears threatening to spill, she talked about Jasper's problems and her guilt. The listeners were deeply moved by her story, but there was one heart that actually broke for her.

The owner of said heart stood in the shadows, unsure if he should make his presence known.


	73. Chapter 73

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

In the end, the decision was taken from his hands, for she spotted him just as he was preparing to leave. Bella smiled a little, as a way to indicate that she didn't mind him staying. He had been a part of the group for a long time, ever since Tanya passed away. Having worked through most of his grief, Edward didn't have much to discuss. He continued to attend the sessions in order to offer his shoulder to anyone in need.

Seeing the love of his life so hurt and lonely tore at his heart, so he tried to approach her after the session was over. She politely declined his invitation for a cup of coffee, hurrying away without delay. He stayed behind, trying not to feel wounded by her rejection, for he had only tried to offer his support, as a friend and nothing more. Though his heart yearned for her, Edward understood that a relationship between them wasn't possible at that moment – she was still deeply attached to her husband.

For the first time, Edward asked himself if the time for their love would ever come. Sadly, he didn't have an answer.


	74. Chapter 74

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

The next support group meeting Bella attended was more challenging than the first. She dreaded not only the emotional stress of revisiting painful memories, but also facing the prospect of keeping Edward at arm's length. His offer had been strictly friendly, if she was not mistaken, but she couldn't help but feel that any time spent in the company of a man who meant so much to her would be an unforgivable sin against Jasper and their marriage.

She needn't have feared. Edward didn't go to that meeting or to the many others that followed. She felt foolish about the rush of anticipation she felt whenever entering the room. A tiny part of her held on to the hope of seeing him again, even though the biggest part was grateful for the respite. The emotions Edward elicited were too intense and she wasn't ready to deal with the implications of allowing them free reign. She needed to maintain her peace of mind, otherwise she feared she might follow in Jasper's footsteps.

Most importantly, Bella wasn't ready to give up on Jasper. He had been so brave, facing his issues with bold honesty. Soon, he would be coming home and she needed to be ready for him.


	75. Chapter 75

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

At Jasper's request, Bella sold the house they had shared with Maria. Maybe it could be perceived as a cowardly way to prevent a relapse, but he felt it was a necessary step toward healing. They needed to create a new beginning, otherwise their lives would be forever defined by the loss of their daughter. Besides, there was no use in getting attached to material reminders of Maria – she lived in his heart, immortalized by his love.

When the day came to leave the clinic, Jasper was actually optimistic about the future. Therapy had taught him to be thankful for what he had instead of dwelling on what he had lost. He had a loving wife waiting for his return and the possibility of building a family with her. The memories of his first wife and his beloved daughter would never fade, but he wouldn't allow survivor's guilt to cloud his mind and blacken his heart.

Accepting that he couldn't control fate, Jasper was ready to face life and its complications. Freed from the burden of fighting the inevitable, Jasper understood that all he could do was love and hope that would be enough.


	76. Chapter 76

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

Life fell into a routine. On the surface, it was pleasant, comfortable, soothing – the same as before, but beneath the brilliant smiles and thoughtful gestures there was the inability to cope as a couple. Both had done beautifully on their own, but when put together they simply couldn't function. Bella and Jasper couldn't look at each other without being reminded of their loss. Like a black hole, the absence of Maria swallowed the light, threatening to forever cloak them in shadows.

Worst of all was the inability to talk about the increasing distance between them. Their interactions tended to stay within the limits of polite conversation, avoiding emotionally charged subjects. So well-crafted was their pretence, they even made love on a weekly basis. For twenty minutes, on Wednesdays, they shared their bodies and assuaged their lust, going as far as cuddling afterwards. But there was no warmth, just the desperate need to cling to a false sense of normalcy.

Jasper felt bereft. The life he had envisioned was stark contrast to the one he was enduring. The loving wife was cold, the idyllic bliss was awkward, and he wasn't happy – not even content.

All these thoughts tormented his mind when he was approached by an old acquaintance.


	77. Chapter 77

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

Jasper was terrified of the feelings his acquaintance turned friend elicited. Their encounters could never be deemed improper, but the number of said encounters was another matter entirely. There was no denying that they had been spending a lot of time together. Between the devastating loneliness he felt and the coldness of his marriage bed, Jasper was powerless against the allure of Rosalie's beckoning smiles. With her, he shared his innermost thoughts, encouraged by the ever present empathy shinning in her eyes.

Rosalie offered a safe harbour from awkward pauses and fake smiles. Most of the time, the mere sight of her was enough to make him smile. When sadness threatened to overtake him, her hand on his shoulder kept the demons away. Worst of all was the sense of recognition: an invisible thread sewing their essences together – invisible to the eyes, undeniable to the soul. Rosalie was the most dangerous kind of siren, singing to the body and enticing the heart.

He dared not name the crushing need within his heart, for there was Bella to consider. Being married wasn't something Jasper took lightly, for his moral convictions demanded that he always honour his vows. Determined to save his marriage, Jasper said a final goodbye to a weeping Rosalie. Despite her tears, Jasper didn't stray from his path.

It was time to confront his wife.


	78. Chapter 78

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

The wayward feelings of bitterness and anger simmering between the once happy couple erupted into undeserved accusations and unwanted self-recrimination. The aftermath saw them agreeing to couples' therapy, for neither was ready to give up on their marriage. It was heartbreaking, the realization that you could no longer talk with your spouse without it escalating into an argument.

For the next few months they attended therapy sessions three times a week. There, they learned to deal with their loss and how it affected their marriage. Sometimes, they hated each other, but most of the times they only felt sorrow and a lingering love. Neither wanted to hurt the other, and that motivated them to work that much harder. Determined to stay together, they each took a silent vow to forsake passion, for the flame of desire no longer burned between them.

One day the therapist said they no longer needed him, for they had completed their path toward healing their marriage. Their interactions lost the strain and tender affection permeated their relationship. It was truly comfortable, pleasant, and soothing. It was nice, familiar, and guaranteed. It was everything Jasper had hoped and all that Bella wished out of a marriage, but neither felt truly and irrevocably happy. They were merely content and that wasn't enough.


	79. Chapter 79

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

Yet Jasper and Bella persisted. Every Friday, Bella put on a beautiful dress and Jasper got her flowers, for it was date night. Though neither relished the thought of putting in the extra effort, they still dutifully – if never enthusiastically – did it. Both would have been more comfortable staying in and going about their business separately. The time spent focusing solely on each other reinforced the sense of inadequacy both felt, for their hearts were no longer as engaged as they once were.

It was during a dinner date that the uncompromising will of destiny intervened, steering a couple away from their best laid plans. In contrast to the magnitude of their epiphany, the event that triggered it was small, mundane and easily overlooked. Sitting at another elegant table, in an overpriced restaurant, they saw another couple share a secretive smile, full of love, hope and promises. There was nothing brittle or strained about their gesture, just the warmth of true lovers. It was something that Jasper and Bella had never experienced with each other.

Looking into Bella's eyes, Jasper saw the wistfulness of a woman hungry for love, a hunger that found echo in his own soul. No words were spoken, but both acknowledged that their marriage had come to an end.


	80. Chapter 80

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

_"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Søren Kierkegaard._

For Jasper, it was a bittersweet occasion. Letting go of the woman to whom he had pledged himself wasn't a decision: it was a demand of his heart and conscience. Jasper had always been an honourable man, so he tried to uphold his vows. But he realized that there was no honour in denying that his emotions weren't as engaged as they should be - and neither were Bella's.

His throat constricted, tears of sorrow blurred his vision, but he pushed through and signed the papers that would grant freedom to both of them. He once had loved Bella; he still did, in a way. However, he couldn't erase the promise of everlasting love he had glimpsed in another woman's eyes.

Bella had never said it in so many words, but Jasper felt that she also had someone else in her heart.

Instead of spiteful words, they exchanged promises to keep in touch and a tight embrace. One last glance at the woman with whom he had shared so much, and Jasper was ready to move forward, toward a future he hadn't planned or envisioned. He was ready to give up control and accept that life was often unpredictable, uncontrollable, unstoppable. And he smiled, for there was no greater freedom than surrendering control to fate.

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**AN: **For the next couple of days, I won't be able to update. Never fear, I will be back as soon as possible and this story will be finished.

Thank you for reading.


	81. Chapter 81

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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More than once, Edward questioned the wisdom of waiting. The seeds of doubt festered the wounds in his heart, poisoning his blood with the uncertainty of his beloved's feelings. Part of him understood that Bella's actions were consistent with the lines he himself had drawn when faced with leaving Tanya in her time of need. But the other, uncivilized, part felt possessive and jealous, ready to lay claim to the one he loved, regardless of the consequences.

In the wake of his conflicted emotions, Edward found himself bewildered by the intensity of his yearning, the absolute need she inspired. He was left aching, desperate, alone, and prone to less than honourable actions. Unable to resist, he succumbed to the iniquitous impulse of watching her from afar. Like a vile stalker, he followed her steps and watched her smiles, dreaming about the day he would be the one holding her hand.

Lost in fantasies, he almost missed the signs that Bella's marriage was dissolving. Eventually it became glaringly obvious that it was truly over. After so many obstacles and misunderstandings they were finally free to be together, but Edward still didn't approach Bella. It could be said that he felt honour-bound to wait a certain period of time, allowing her to mourn her failed marriage. However, that would have been a lie.

Edward hesitated, for there was nothing more frightening than the possibility of forever.


	82. Chapter 82

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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The inner turmoil of a irresolute suitor wasn't enough to keep time from passing and, apparently, hearts from changing.

Edward was frozen in horror, morbidly fascinated by the scene unfolding before his wary eyes: his woman was having dinner with a man. Bella looked beautiful, with pretty make-up and sexy clothes enhancing her natural attributes. The man looked... Actually, Edward didn't care, because his mind couldn't get past the pain of seeing her with yet another man. Had she given up on him? Had her feelings changed?

Maybe he waited too long and she now believed that Edward had been the one to have a change of heart. Maybe the man was just a client and they were talking about business. Maybe the man was a gay friend and they were having a fun night out. Maybe the man had mistaken her for someone else and would soon move away. Maybe...maybe the man wasn't scared of making his dreams come true. Maybe the man was a better option for Bella...

There were many variables involved in the complicated dance he had unwittingly initiated, but he didn't care about finding the perfect balance anymore. Life always fell short of ideal, and their story would never be a fairy tale with grand gestures and eloquent declarations. There was no point in waiting for a sign from fate to indicate the beginning of their happily-ever-after. So, he decided that the time for them was right now, and entered the restaurant.


	83. Chapter 83

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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It was supposed to be a girl's night out, designed to improve Bella's confidence. After all, she was a divorced woman, thus bound to be depressed and feeling sorry for herself. Bella resented her friend's insinuations, though her intention was sweet. However, a day being pampered in a spa, followed by dinner with the girls didn't sound too bad. Actually, it sounded heavenly, so she happily went along with the plan. That was until the moment she entered the restaurant and realized that she had been tricked by her so-called friend.

At the table she expected to share with a group of females, Bella found a shockingly familiar man. Jacob was looking exceedingly elegant in his evening wear, conspicuously anticipating a date. She approached him warily, only to discover that he hadn't been privy to the devious plan concocted by her misguided friend. Jacob had been lured by the promise of a blind date with a hot girl; how could any man resist?

Sharing a good laugh, they decided to catch up. Later they would plan their devious revenge for being manipulated that way. Neither could deny the admiration and respect they each felt for the other, but there wasn't enough attraction between the pair to develop into a romantic relationship.

They were about to order dessert when a shadow fell upon their table.


	84. Chapter 84

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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When all was said and done Edward was nothing but a man in love, blinded to everything but the raw need consuming his heart. So he overlooked the dictates of polite society and common sense by approaching the "happy couple" in a public place. But when confronted with the reality of his startled audience, Edward discovered another truth about himself: his self-confidence had waned along with his sense of entitlement, so he was now no longer as commanding as he once was.

Consumed by doubts and fear of rejection, he just stood there, grasping for something to say or do, to save the three of them from the embarrassment of his actions. Finding nothing, Edward mumbled a lame excuse about a mistaken identity and walked away. He felt physically ill, unable to deal with the implications of his hasty act. Breathless and confused, he paused outside the restaurant, trying to regain some semblance of composure.

Lost inside his own head, it took him a few moments to realize that he was no longer alone. Before him stood a wrathful goddess, brimming with fury and indignation, ripe for combat and destined for victory.


	85. Chapter 85

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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"What are you doing here?" Her voice was deceptively quiet, betraying none of the anger simmering in her expressive eyes.

How to explain the volatile mixture of coincidence and obsession that had led him to that peculiar place? He shrugged, stammering an incoherent answer. Unable to defend his actions, he turned to self-righteous anger, after all the best defence is a good offense.

"No Bella, the question is, what are you doing here? Who is that man? Are you that capricious? I thought we had something..."

His rant was cut short by a punch neatly delivered to his jaw. Apparently, Bella had taken to practicing boxing and was very good at it. The pain shot through his entire skull, bringing tears to his eyes. He told himself that his blurred vision was was merely a result of the blow, and completely unrelated to the hollow despair permeating his soul. He wasn't offered the chance to regain his composure, for Bella had worked herself into a temper.

"What? How dare you? You're accusing me of being unfaithful? That's rich! You're the one who broke my heart, over and over again. You cheated on me. You treated me like crap. You threw me away.

"I moved on from you. Then you just had to come back into my life and throw me for a loop, promising to come back for me. You know what? That's a load of crap. I'm not some plaything you can use then throw away at your convenience. I'm not going to sit around waiting for the dubious honour of being graced with your presence. It's always about you, isn't it? You had to grow up. You weren't ready. You had to wait for the right time. You, you, you... I'm fucking tired of you! Fuck this! Fuck..."

Gripping her upper arms, Edward interrupted her rant with a punishing kiss, meant to convey all the frustration and longing he couldn't verbally express. Her reaction was to slap his face and push him away. Stunned, he took a step back, looking at her flushed face, searching for a clue of how he could mend their love. He realized then, that she was still hurting from his past actions, doubtful of his sincerity and the depth of his feelings. How could he reassure her? How could he atone for his sins? How could he make her believe?

Frantic, he tried to envision a plan of action, but nothing came to mind. His heart was thumping against his chest, his mouth dry, his hands unsteady. He was a cornered beast, frantically searching for a way out; except that there was no escaping the shadow of his past behavior. He felt bound by the misdeeds of the man he no longer was. That thought gave him pause, for he felt a stab of resentment towards Bella since she seemed to conveniently forget how much he had changed. Why should he be sentenced to a life of penance when he had worked so hard on becoming a better man?

"I was wrong, and I told you that. I didn't make excuses. I hurt like hell when you were gone, but I dealt with my issues, owned up to my mistakes and tried really hard to change. I can't erase the past, okay? It's fucking done and over. If you missed me so fucking much, why didn't you come for me? You..."

Abruptly, he closed his mouth, left speechless by the flicker of vulnerability in her eyes. A sudden stillness took hold of his body, calming his erratic heart, quieting his wayward thoughts. He reminded himself of the man he had now become, and realized that he needed to show her that man. The anger and resentment were then replaced by the desolation of a powerful insight. His only way forward would be the biggest gamble of all: having to trust that love would be enough.


	86. Chapter 86

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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Edward took a deep breath and gathered all his courage before speaking.

"I love you, but I can't change our past. I could promise to forever atone for my sins, but what kind of life would we have? You would always be insecure, looking for clues of infidelity, trying to find holes in my stories. Baby, you wouldn't be happy living like that.

On the other hand, I would try not to be annoyed by your distrust because I'd know I deserved it. But as time passed, I'd grow increasingly frustrated, because no matter what I did, your doubts wouldn't diminish. Our love would be crushed under the weight of the past."

"What are you saying, Edward? Are you giving up on us?" Her voice was small and hollow, holding the quiet acceptance of a victim, the hopelessness of a woman given an emotional death sentence.

Unbidden, the image of a dreary future invaded his mind. He couldn't allow their love to wither and die, but he also couldn't stand the idea of existing without her. Holding her face between his hands, Edward opened the gates of his heart, letting her see the depth of his love, the finality of his feelings.

"Baby, I'm going to ask the impossible of you: forgive me not only in words, but deep within your heart."

"What do you mean?" Bella whispered.

"Purge your heart of the pain I caused you. Don't hold my mistakes against me. Take a chance and give me your trust. Please, don't let the fear of getting hurt stop you. I can't promise that I'll never hurt you again, but I can promise to never do so intentionally, or betray your trust again. I know it's a lot to ask, but loving is an act of faith. Love me, Bella. Have faith in our love, baby."

"Edward...what if I can't do that?" Bella looked down as she spoke.

Edward longed to take Bella into his arms and comfort her, protect her from his words and the callousness of his past self, but Bella was a capable woman. He wasn't about to demean the woman he loved by treating her like a damsel in distress. No, she would have to face her demons and conquer them all on her own.

"I have faith in you," he said. One last stroke to her left cheek and he left without looking back.


	87. Chapter 87

**SM owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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All Bella's old insecurities resurfaced. Would she be enough? Could she really forgive him? Had he truly changed? Would he cheat again? Bewildered by the turn of events, Bella wandered aimlessly through the night. Somehow, she ended up on the doorstep of an old friend who received her with a warm embrace and an understanding ear.

After hearing everything Bella had to say, Angela had to fight the urge to fall into her Dr. Weber persona. After all, Bella wasn't seeking professional help, she merely needed a friend to tell her everything she already knew. Smiling slightly, Angela wondered at the resilience of her friend's love.

"Bella, consider this, you built a healthy relationship with Jasper without allowing the feelings of betrayal or the related insecurities get in the way. You opened your heart to him, coming to him whole and healed. Can you do the same for Edward? I know it's harder because he is the one who broke your heart, but don't you, yourself deserve a second chance at love? Don't do it for him, do it for yourself. Or don't do it. The decision is entirely yours. Either way, just don't let fear cloud your mind."

Nodding her understanding, Bella looked out the window. It seemed easy - right, logical - but she didn't know if she could do it. Didn't she deserve some compensation for all the pain she had endured?

It was a sobering thought, for that's when she realized that she wasn't about to sacrifice happiness for the sake of satisfying her need for revenge, as deserved as it might be. Why choose the loneliness of living in the past when love was within her grasp?

Smiling widely Bella left without saying goodbye. She was eager to start living in the present.


	88. Outtake The Two Doctors Weber

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**AN: Have you noticed that both Edward's and Bella's therapist are named Dr. Weber?**

**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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Beaming at his sister, Andrew congratulated her on a job well done. Scoffing at her obnoxious, nosey brother, Angela felt proud nonetheless, not for herself, mind you, but for her friend. Bella had been an insecure woman, unsure of her worth and strength. She had now become a woman ready to trust her intuition and make a decision that surely would raise many eyebrows. Sighing, Angela started to mentally plan her friend's wedding, for she had no doubt that it was coming sooner rather than later.

Laughing at her dreamy expression, Andrew tried to convince her that Edward wouldn't be proposing anytime soon. Angela asked how he could offer such an unequivocal opinion, since he didn't know any of the parties involved. Andrew merely shrugged and steered the conversation toward wedding planning, effectively distracting his sister. He had no desire to disclose his less-than-stellar actions, borne out of the desire to save a couple from the same destiny that had broken his parents apart. Besides, there were ethical issues involved.

Being a young doctor, Angela sometimes needed his guidance, which he gladly had been a delicate case, especially for his younger sister, who herself had some self-esteem issues. He had been moved by the tidbits of information Angela occasionally disclosed whenever she sought his counsel. Edward was mentioned many times, and Andrew couldn't help but draw a parallel with his father. Andrew had been unable to convince his father of the error of his ways, but in Edward he found a second chance at offering salvation and redemption.

Everything had worked out for the best. His breach of ethics had gone unpunished and his meddlesomeness undiscovered. Now, all he had to do was find a plausible way out of being Angela's 'plus one' at the upcoming wedding.


	89. Chapter 89

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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It was a sound he had heard many times before, a universal plea for admittance - a knock at the door. An absolutely ordinary occurrence at any other time, but not when the peephole revealed his own personal Ananke ready to proclaim her verdict.

Adrenaline pumping in his veins, Edward willed his hand to unlatch the door and grant her entrance. However, the instinct of self-preservation pulled him in another direction, toward avoidance, because she couldn't walk away...if she didn't come in.

Trying to reign in his fear, Edward reasoned that all his cards had been played and it was time to collect his gains or ponder his losses. His heart was heavy with the possibility of rejection, his mind busy with a vicious array of self-deprecating insults, and his soul assailed by uncertainty. Edward was a man tormented by fighting a fate that has always stubbornly refused his heart's desire.

However, he remembered that it wasn't an elusive, erratic goddess standing on the other side of the door. It was the love of his life and he had faith in her. So, he pushed through the haze of useless emotions and thoughts, opening the door to his fate, whatever that might be. But he didn't have to wonder, for as soon as his eyes landed on her face, a brilliant smile graced her lips, a perfect match to the fire burning in her eyes.

Placing two of her fingers on his lips, Bella didn't allow him any words. The time to talk would come later, in the many years that would compose the tapestry of their union. Before answering their questions and exchanging their promises, they needed to rediscover their bond. She felt oddly unselfconscious when she voiced her request.

"Edward make love to me."


	90. Chapter 90

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

* * *

The act of baring their skin wasn't the frenetic shedding of obstacles to their passion, but rather the ritual unwrapping of a special gift. There was no self-consciousness between the pair, for they shared the sense of familiarity that exists between old lovers.

Though her old self-esteem issues tried to re-emerge from the shadows of painful memories, the fire burning in his eyes spoke of appreciation and desire. For his part, Edward was a little insecure about his ability to properly attend to his woman's needs, for he feared that his long abstinence didn't bode well for his...endurance. But one look at her expectant eyes and he knew that one way or another he would take her to the summit of sensation, for that was his obligation as a man, his pleasure as her lover.

They came together, not as nervous, impatient youths, but as mature lovers who fully understood the difference between having sex and making love. Their embrace was the magical pairing of souls, bonding of hearts; their kiss, the unhurried path toward other intimacies. Both keenly felt the difference between this encounter and their previous experiences, but it resonated more deeply within Edward. He was aware that had he not humbled himself by learning how to be a better man, he would never have tasted the sweetness of surrendering to love.

His lips followed the path of her lovely flesh leading the way toward full breasts, heaving with the intensity of desire. He marvelled at her womanly curves proclaiming the maturity of a body in its prime. Tenderly caressing her fair skin, which was smooth, but at the same time weathered by the tiny reminders of the passage of time. He succumbed to the compulsion to draw her rosy nipple into his mouth while letting his hand part her most intimate lips. Finding her ready and eager, it didn't take much to have her writhing and panting, on the edge of finding completion, dainty hands clutching the sheets, conveying need and desperation.

Levering himself up, he felt his heart constricting with an unfamiliar onslaught of emotion – his angel was back and more importantly, of her own volition. He drank in the sight of her silky dark hair spread on the pillows, her lips swollen by his kisses, her face composed as that of a goddess of seduction. Her eyes were her best feature – deep pools of wisdom, acceptance and love. Holding her gaze, he entered the sanctuary of her body, worshipping her flesh with his own. His movements were long and languid, for their lovemaking wasn't merely about the grand finale, it was a genteel ride, a lazy exploration. Together they attuned their movements, rediscovered their bodies.

When their worlds shattered with the almost unbearable explosion of shared love and mutual pleasure, there were tears in his eyes. He now knew that only those who had tasted the unearthly pain of refusing love, then offered a second chance at it, could fully appreciate the supreme elation of earning a happily-ever-after.


	91. Chapter 91

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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In the afterglow of their lovemaking, Edward and Bella basked in the warmth of each other's embrace. Feeling bold, Bella did something she never had before: she actually dared to openly talk about her feelings, instead of succumbing to the passive-aggressive role she had played so many times before.

"Edward, there's something I need to ask you, and I want you to know that you won't get in trouble for your answer."

Chuckling at her mock condescension, Edward tightened his embrace, bringing her that much closer to him.

"Anything, baby; full disclosure, I promise."

"What prompted your transformation?"

Taking a deep breath, Edward tried to organize his thoughts. In the end, he opted for a straight and thorough answer. He began by telling her how much her rejection had hurt him, but how it also became the cornerstone around which he rebuilt his life.

He described his downward spiral, his abusive relationship with Tanya, his mother's intervention, the realization that his role model was nothing more than a selfish, inconsiderate man. He told her about therapy and how difficult it was to humble himself and ask for Tanya's forgiveness.

Some parts of it she already knew, but he felt that she needed a full account, so that she could see the entire picture. Pushing through his discomfort, he told her about his relationship with Tanya, how much he had come to care for her and how deeply he mourned her death.

"While losing you motivated me to get my priorities in order, it took seeing you choose another man for me to understand that it was not enough to simply want you. I had to deserve you. So, I strived to reinvent myself by becoming the sort of man who deserves to be with a woman like you."

Touched by his confession, Bella kissed him with all the passion burning in her soul. Words failed her, her throat was constricted with emotion, her mind frantic with all the paths their lives could have taken; paths that never led back to each other. But soon she was lost to the world, swept in another round of lovemaking.

Later that day, Edward finally worked up the courage to ask the question that had been nagging him ever since he had first seen Bella at the restaurant.

"Baby, who was that man you were with at the restaurant?"

His voice was deceptively calm in an attempt to give the impression of a minor curiosity while, truth be told, he was a bundle of nerves.

"Why? Are you jealous?"

"Damn right, I am. Shit, I mean..." Edward tugged at his hair, sifting through his mind, trying to find a non-neanderthal way to express the pitiful combination of possessiveness and dread that engulfed him when confronted with the possibility of losing her yet again.

"I mean, I know you don't belong to me. I'm not that stupid, but it's just that I waited for you...not that you have to wait for me...I mean, you're under no obligation...it's just that it's hard...and just thinking..."

Frustrated by his own verbal ineptitude, Edward clamped his mouth shut. Was she disappointed in him? Would that be the final straw? Was she already sorry that...?

Bella burst out laughing. Bewildered, Edward simply chuckled uncertainly. It was a long time before Bella could talk again.


	92. Chapter 92

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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Bella finally regained her composure.

"It's okay to feel a little jealousy. I'm all for the alpha-male thing. It can be sexy.

"As for your question, his name is Jacob. I went out with him after you and I broke up the first time, but I didn't see him again until the restaurant incident."

"Restaurant incident?"

"Yep. A well-intentioned friend set me up on a blind date, telling me that it was going to be a girl's night out. Jacob and I were both surprised, and had a good laugh about it, but I never had any intention of taking up with him."

"Baby, please let your friend know that you are now taken. Better yet, let's make it clear to the entire world."

Dumbfounded, Bella could only stare at Edward. Did he mean...? Laughing at her startled eyes and lack of response, Edward couldn't help but tease her a little.

"Try not to look so panicky, it does nothing for my pride. Since you weren't moved by my unconventional approach, let's try to do it properly then."

Kneeling before Bella, he tenderly kissed her hand, holding it between his own. When he looked into her eyes, all mirth was gone - there was just the raw need of man in love.

"Life is short and loss so sudden. Let's not waste the gift of time. Marry me, Bella - not because you feel you're out of options, or because you feel you owe me. Marry me because you choose me above all others.

"And I'll marry you, not because you fit some unrealistic concept of womanhood, but because you are you – the beautiful, honest, kind, smart, and strong Bella Swan – the love of my life, the other half of my soul."

Astounded by the unexpected proposal, Bella's first instinct was to say no – their reconciliation was too recent, they still had to rebuild their relationship, there were many issues they still had to work through...but it only took one look at Edward's pleading face, one glimpse at his promising eyes, for Bella to throw caution to the wind. She didn't want to be responsible, she wanted to be happy, and there was now no denying that happiness for her meant a lifetime shared with the sweet, imperfect man that anxiously waited for her answer.

Besides, they could enjoy a really long engagement.

"Yes, a thousand times yes."


	93. Epilogue

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**Thanks to ReluctantRomantic for taking the time to beta this chapter.**

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**_25 years later..._**

Sitting in the front row of Smith College's Weinstein Auditorium, Bella was proud of her husband's achievements. Throughout the years, Edward had become a resource in the subject of the influence of parental role models. Today, his lecture was about the effect of parents' relationship on a child's future interactions with the opposite sex. It struck a chord deep within Bella's soul. After all, Edward had become her knight in shining armour who had slayed the dragon of Bella's misapprehensions, and the lifetime of conditioning that came with them.

Quietly chuckling at her fanciful thoughts, Bella stole a look at her children who were bravely enduring a rather boring couple of hours for them. So distinct from each other, they didn't share the bond of blood, but only the undeniable connection born out of love. Only the oldest, Michael, was the fruit of Bella's womb. Eyes like his father's, hair and skin like his mother's, Michael had a completely unique personality – vivacious, kind, and extremely protective of the ones he loved.

The other four in their family were brought to them by the intervention of fate. Siara was the next in line and had been one of Bella's most devastating cases. Even twelve years later, Siara still wasn't completely at ease with men outside her family, a result of nine long years of abuse at the hands of her own father. Adopting her had been a tough decision, but both Edward and Bella couldn't stand the thought of leaving the child to the dubious care of Social Services. Siara had grown into a blond haired, blue eyed bombshell who methodically rebuffed all male attempts to attract her attention. Years of therapy had helped Siara deal with her painful past, but Bella worried about her daughter's lack of interest in romantic relationships.

Twins Helena and Delia were taken in after being abandoned at Edward's office. Naturally, there had been malicious tongues whispering that he was the children's father, but Bella never believed it. When Edward offered to take a paternity test to prove his innocence, Bella had adamantly refused it – their marriage was built on mutual trust, so it would survive the test many others failed. Olive skinned and dark eyed, they lived up to their Greek names – rambunctious, stubborn, and impossible not to love. They were a constant source of distress for their parents, likely being responsible for Edward's gray hair and Bella's worry lines. Thankfully, they had two older siblings to look after them or Bella and Edward would surely have been worn out trying to keep up with their shenanigans.

Last, but not least, came Edward Jr., the five year old intellectual child drinking in his father's words. The son of a crack addict whom Edward had tried to help, the baby had been spared the most nefarious effects of his mother's addiction. Although he had some motor difficulties, his mental capacities had thankfully remained intact. Edward and Bella had been in awe of the little baby's will to live, and were brought to tears when finally allowed to hold their newest child.

No, it had never been an easy road, but life had given them all they needed, and more than they each felt they deserved.

Sighing, Bella turned her attention back to her husband – the tall, now somewhat round man speaking to an enraptured audience.

"If I could offer just one piece of advice, it would be "vince te ipsum" – conquer thyself. Don't let yourself be defeated by the preconceptions instilled in you from birth, or society's current paradigm of morality. Overcome your own limitations, don't let anything stand in your away – not even yourself.

"Some of you may think it's easier said than done – and you would be right, but it doesn't mean it can't be done, or that it's not worth it. A long time ago, I had to overcome my chauvinistic upbringing to be with the woman I love. Of course, there is a lot more to our story, but I don't think my lady would appreciate my divulging too much. Suffice it to say that it was a bumpy ride, but more than worth it.

"See that gorgeous lady in gray sitting in the front row? That's my wife, Bella. The embarrassed ones by her side who are trying to disappear are our children – the living proof of our love.

"Don't settle for being who you were – try to be a better version of yourself. I'm telling you that it's worth the sacrifice. "

Holding his wife's gaze, Edward allowed all of his love to swell to the surface. Later that night, they would make love and discuss their children. They would hold each other and fall asleep – he would snore and she would steal the blankets. Everything would be okay, because love had found a way.

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**AN:** Smith College (Northampton, MA) is ranked amongst the top 20 Social Work Schools in the USA.

**I would like to take this opportunity to thank whatever higher power brought ReluctantRomantic into my life. Of course, she is a brilliant beta – just compare this story's previous chapters with the ones she beta'ed – but more than that she is a beautiful human being, a being of light and warmth. There are no words to express my gratitude, so I have to settle for simple ones - Thank you for everything.**

**To my readers: Thank you for taking a chance on this story. You have no idea how much I love hearing from you. Always feel free to express your thoughts, don't refrain from pointing out what you didn't like – every comment is welcomed and appreciated.**

**I realize that it's very hard to review a Drabble, but now that it's finished... please, leave me a review.**

**Kisses to you all,**

**Mina.**


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